Chris is currently in the doghouse for not toeing the company line on Rudy Gay. Next week he'll be writing 4000 words on why Rudy is MY favorite player. - djturtleface
In the spirit of modern technology, and in practice for one day when we all communicate in 140 characters or less, I'm going to take this week's column and react to every free agent signing that has occurred this summer in tweet form.
For the less tech-savvy, that means I'm limiting myself to something like a sentence on each reaction, maybe two if you're lucky. As you should know by now, I'm long-winded, so this will be a challenge. And please tell me why I'm wrong in the comments -- preferably in equally short form.
LeBron James to Miami
"The Decision" was the ego boost after the ego hit that was admitting he needed help. Miami will be freakin' awesome.
Dwyane Wade resigns with Miami
He's now the true alpha dog. He made everyone come to him and runs South Beach. 90% of NBA players would trade places with him yesterday.
Chris Bosh to Miami
Bosh is a fortunate man. As long as he isn't horrible, he may be the biggest winner in all of this. No pressure, no worries. Needs a nickname.
Amare Stoudemire to NY Knicks
Dude got paid. Other than that, he'd better cross his fingers CP3 and Melo come join him, otherwise he's looking at 6 years of the 6th seed.
Joe Johnson resigns with Atlanta
Um, yeah. Good luck Hawks. I hope Joe Johnson enjoys shooting under 30% in the first round in front of 800 people again. Yikes.
Learn defense Rudy, I don't want to feel any worse about this max deal than I already do. Damn Heisley.
Tony Allen to Memphis
Gives a great radio interview.
Hakim Warrick to Phoenix
No snark, I've always liked Hakim.
So much more over the jump, every player you could possibly care about is on here, I promise.
Dirk Nowitzki resigns with Dallas
I mean, what was he going to do? That team is in a bad spot -- not awful, but has no chance against the Lakers.
Carlos Boozer signs with Chicago
He'll put up good stats on an average team, and be cannon fodder for MIA, ORL, and BOS. Have fun with that.
Sure, I guess? Boston will make one more go at it with the "olds" for 2 years, then blow things to pieces. This will be an awful deal in 3 yrs.
New ownership and Don Nelson on the way out has to give him some hope. This year is going to be rough though.
Ray Allen resigns with Celtics
Ray Allen's orthopedist is laughing all the way to the bank right now.
Tyrus Thomas signs with Charlotte
And this is the last you will hear of Tyrus Thomas for the next 5 years.
Luis Scola resigns with Houston
I like this deal. Nothing snarky, honestly.
Good for Ray Felton? At least it's only for two years. Just in time for CP3, right Knicks fans?
Brendan Haywood resigns with Dallas
6 years, 55 million. I wish I were tall, average at basketball, and got traded to Dallas in my contract year.
John Salmons resigns with Milwaukee
Bucks fans better hope that the last 3 months of last season was a large enough sample size. One of the great NBA beards though.
Spurs with a rare miss on this. He was unproductive for one year, so let's sign him for 4! Makes sense...
Josh Childress signs with Phoenix
The coolest NBA hair is back in the States! Good for him, I guess. PDX loves them some tweeners.
Al Harrington signs with Denver
It seems like Denver just amasses guy you're heard of but aren't that great. They always manage to underachieve. Get well George Karl.
Mike Miller signs with Miami
Wesley Matthews signs with Portland
It must be nice to have enough money to give that much to Wesley Freakin' Matthews. Utah looked at this and laughed out loud.
Jermaine O'Neal signs with Celtics
I'm all for anything that frustrates Bill Simmons. Good for you, Boston.
I like this for Udonis and the Heat. He suffered through some crap teams for a few years, and is taking less money. Way to go, U.
Nate Robinson resigns with Celtics
That locker room next year when Boston is fighting for the 7 seed is going to be a-w-w-w-kward.
Uh, I don't want to talk about it. Moving on.
Good, now he only has two chances a year to hit game winning 3's against us instead of four. A true Grizzly killer.
OK, running through the people no one cares about even quicker. This is apparently training for Twtr2.0. Go!
Kyle Korver to Bulls - New white guy for Chicago!
Anthony Morrow to Nets - Umm, sure.
Derek Fisher back with Lakers - He's so old!
Brad Miller to Houston - Trashy man, trashy city. Works.
Dorrell Wright to Golden State - maybe people care about this.
Randy Foye to the Clippers - dude was a #4 pick. Wild, right?
Steve Blake to Lakers - They love average PG's!
Matt Barnes to Lakers - Hope he hits on Kobe's wife. Dirtiest Laker since Rick Fox.
Drew Gooden to Bucks - They paid you enough. Get a haircut. Now.
Raja Bell to Jazz - He's 33. That's crazy.
Amir Johnson to Raptors - Come on Canada.
Channing Frye back with Phoenix - If he didn't learn to shoot the 3, he'd be in China.
Linas Kleiza to Raptors - Not a good team. At all.
Luke Ridnour to Minnesota - Laughs all around.
Theo Ratliff to LA: Dude would dominate in church league.
Darko to Minnesota - And we laugh again.
I know there's more, but I really have no reaction to the rest. If you feel like anyone I left out will get more than 18 minutes a game, feel free to argue why they're relevant.
Stepping aside from the specific players for a minute, I believe that this free agency period boils down to 3 things:
1) The owners have shot themselves in the foot in advance of the CBA bargaining period.
If I'm the players association, my opening argument is nothing more than photocopies of Amir Johnson, Brendan Haywood, and Joe Johnson's contracts.
2) We're heading toward super teams.
For those of you who thought the regular season was too relevant (this is nobody), get excited. If the Knicks can pull it off next year, you had better hope you live in a big city, or the NBA just got a whole lot less fun.
3) David Kahn is a questionable, questionable man.
I'd just like to give a shout out to Minnesota for doing their absolute best to take the title of biggest joke of a franchise from Memphis. Handshakes all around gentlemen, well done. We'll keep not spending any money -- seriously, has anyone else seen the panels on the ceiling of the FedEx Forum? Bush league -- and you guys keep being very public with your screw-ups to overshadow it. This arrangement is working wonders for Grizzlies PR.
- Chris Wilson