(This piece is meant for humor purposes only. None of the "happenings" in this article are actually real. Darrell Arthur is not included. I'm sure he was in the training room getting some injury worked on. Hope you enjoy.)
It's 8:58 A.M. Players are clowning around. Practice is set to begin at 9:00 A.M. sharp.
At 9:00 A.M., Coach Lionel Hollins walks in the gym with a blank stare that is more of a scowl on his face. (You know, like, Lionel Hollins' typical face.) The gym goes silent.
Hollins: Okay men, let's get to work. Start with some light stretches.
The players form four lines on the baseline and begin stretching out their long, gangly bodies while walking to mid court. Tony Wroten and Quincy Pondexter happen to be in the same line and begin shooting the breeze to pass the time.
Pondexter: Hey T, what was your favorite thing about Washington?
Wroten: Favorite thing about Washington? Nothing man! All it ever did was rain rain rain in that hippy city. The best part of going to college there was the road trips to the other PAC 12 schools. You feel me Q-Pon?
Pondexter: Ohhhhh yeaaah! The cheerleaders at USC were NIIIIIICEE!
Wroten: The ones at Oregon were the best hands down! The Grizz girls are pretty nice too though. It's hard for me to pay attention when coach calls a timeout.
Pondexter: *laughs while thinking maybe that's why Wroten gets limited playing time* Did you ever notice that Coach Romar at Washington looked like a skinnier version of Carl Winslow from Family Matters?
Wroten: *Rolls laughing* They do have the same mustache!
Austin Daye: I still can't believe Gonzaga lost in the NCAA tournament *a single tear rolls down his cheek*
Wroten: Is he crying!?
Pondexter: *snickers, but then puts on a stoic face* Hey man, don't laugh at him. He's got it tough. He'll never be as good as his old man Darren Daye.
Hollins: *blank stare* Quit clowning around, or I will body slam both of you! That's enough stretching. Do some dribbling drills now.
The players begin dribbling up and down the court.
Mike Conley: Hey guys, watch me dribble!
Hollins: *blank stare*
Pondexter: So what Mike? Hey coach, are we ever gonna practice corner 3's? I'm the best at those.
Hollins: *blank stare*
Zach Randolph: *Walks in the gym at 9:27, 27 minutes late*
Hollins: *blank stare* Where the hell have you been?
Randolph: Coach, I was helping build a house with Habitat for Humanity.
Hollins: *blank stare* Well, at least that's a good excuse. Since Zach was late, everybody gets to do defensive slides.
Jerryd Bayless: Did he say defense? *mentally checks out*
Players continue defensive slides for about ten minutes.
Hollins: Okay, take a water break.
Dexter Pittman: *Walks over to the table with the water cooler on it, pauses, then looks around with a befuddled look on his face* Ayo, where the snacks at?
Hollins: *blank stare* How many times do I have to tell you we don't get snacks at practice? You can eat on your own time.
Pittman: *sulks away from the table*
Hollins: Alright, break's over! Get some shots up!
Tony Allen: *dribbles out on the court, gets to the three point line, begins counting down from 24 while doing some fancy dribbling, waits until the clock gets down to 5, dribbles into the lane, and shoots an off balance fade away jumper that misses while shouting* RUUUUUUUUDDDDYYYY
Tayshaun Prince: *dribbles out on the floor, brings the ball up to his face to begin his shooting motion, then suddenly drops the ball. He extends his arms and looks at them as if they are from some alien land* Have you guys seen how long my arms are?
Hollins: *blank stare* Yes, Tayshaun, everyone knows how long your arms are. Now practice your shot.
Prince: *Extends arms and begins flapping them like a pterodactyl*
Players collectively look at him like he is crazy
Ed Davis: *runs out on the court with the ball, and immediately heads to the rim. He slams it home and screams* LIIIIKKE A BOSSSS MANNN!!
Allen: Ed, what kind of celebration is that? You gotta get some dance moves. *TA busts out his dance moves*
Hollins: *stares at Allen, blankly*
Jon Leuer: *dribbles to the opposite basket from all his teammates to practice trick shots presuming he will not see significant minutes any time soon*
Marc Gasol: *walks to the left block, takes a dribble to the middle of the lane, and swishes a sky hook* Mi gancho cielo es mejor que el Kareem Abdul Jabbar. (My sky hook is better than Kareem Abdul Jabbar's)
Gasol: What are you laughing at? You wanna have a rebounding competition?
Randolph: *laughs again* You honestly think you can beat me in a rebounding contest? You know there is a rebound named the z-bound for a reason.
Gasol: You are forgetting you literally can't jump though, Zach.
Hollins: *interrupts the contest* Alright, practice some free throws then you're free to go.
Davis: *sneaks off to "go to the bathroom"*
After 15 minutes, practice is drawn to an end: Alright guys, you're free to go. Be here tomorrow for the game.
Leuer: *announces to no one in particular* I'm gonna be late for my haircut! I can't ever let the Wisconsin buzzcut tradition die. (If you are uncertain about this joke, google it. Literally every Wisconsin player ever has a buzz cut. Ever.)
Allen: *pondering what his next tweet will be. Should it be hungry like a hostage or something along the lines of gr8t precticcc gdijahlk?*
Conley: Hey, who wants to go bowling?
Randolph: I'm in.
Pondexter: Me too.
Wroten: Count me in.
Davis: Boss Man will be there
Everyone then disperses.
Keyon Dooling: Hey guys! What about me? I wanna be included?
Pittman: Wait, we seriously don't get snacks?
Hollins: *blank stare*
That's a wrap for the Grizzlies Practice Chronicles. I apologize if this is not funny, or if it does not even make sense. I'm a bit delusional after last night's game against the Clippers. On to serious business, it's time to buckle down and prepare for round one, ladies and gents. Go Grizz!