Since I only have twenty-four hours as commissioner before
someone finds out I’m making these rules my retirement plan kicks in, I’m just going to dispense with the niceties and start laying down the law.
Kevin Lipe: NBA Commissioner
Ten rules — The Lipe Commandments — effective immediately:
- The New Orleans Pelicans are now the New Orleans Jazz. The Utah Jazz are now the Utah Grizzlies. The Charlotte Bobcats are now the Charlotte Hornets. The Memphis Grizzlies? They’re now the Memphis Sounds and they wear the same colors, logos, and jerseys as the ABA team.
- Joey Crawford is to be given an ultimatum: either resign effective immediately or get a picture of Tim Duncan’s face tattooed on the top of his head.
GrizzliesSounds are now in the Eastern Conference, and so is New Orleans. Teams located on the eastern side of the Mississippi River are no longer allowed to be in the Western Conference.
- Every game will have an instant replay official present at the scorer’s table so that every time someone argues a shot clock violation, the entire arena doesn’t have to twiddle their respective thumbs for half an hour while Ken Mauer and Erik Spoelstra discuss hair product.
- Every basket scored by the Memphis
GrizzliesSounds in the final ten seconds of regulation time counts for seven points. Free throws count for six and a half.
- Nate Robinson is banned for life from the National Basketball Association because I don’t care how fun he is to watch, I have always irrationally disliked him.
- Let’s expand to Seattle. Enough of this. All NBA teams with the possible exception of the Bobcats and the Clippers (because Clippers) are barred from relocating for the next twenty-five years. Whoever is commissioner after my term is over is hereby barred from having the power to undo this relocation rule. Public money cannot comprise more than 50% of any new NBA arena.
- Zach Randolph’s salary no longer counts against the salary cap and is to be paid by Kendrick Perkins. If the salary is more than Kendrick Perkins can pay, Kendrick Perkins has to stand outside FedExForum wearing a signboard that says “I’m Ugly” before every Sounds/Thunder game in Memphis. We don’t bluff.
GrizzliesSounds are allowed to have a sixth man on the floor during regulation. This position is to be known as the Tony Allen Compensation Guard and is designed to allow the GrizzliesSounds to play Tony Allen while still playing another shooting guard who can, y’know, shoot. If the T.A.C.G. is not enough to get it done in regulation, the Team Formerly Known As The Grizzlies will have to face overtime without the T.A.C.G. on the floor.
- Flopping when approached by a ref is punishable by having to wear a pirate eye-patch over one eye (player’s choice) for the rest of regulation.
I think I stand a pretty good chance of being remembered as the best commissioner in NBA history. That Stern guy has nothing on me. What do you think? What would you do if you were commissioner for 24 hours?