We have a serious issue here, folks. Certain information has been brought to my attention today, information that might change the outlook of the Memphis Grizzlies, possibly forever. Before I reveal the issue at hand, I would like for everyone to know that seeking the truth can be a dangerous endeavor, and you may never be the same after reading this article.
Jon Leuer, whose middle name is so secretive that it isn't documented anywhere, was born on May 14th, 1989 in Long Lake, Minnesota to parents Mike and Holly Leuer. Let me rephrase that, the man who currently claims to be Jon Leuer was supposedly born on May 14th, 1989 in a location that supposedly exists in Minnesota, and there are now two people that share Leuer's last name who, either of their own choice or against their own will, claim to be the parents of the man that claims to be Jon Leuer.
I have done some serious investigating, and I have confirmed that there is a town called Long Lake in Minnesota. Long Lake is a small town with a modest population of 1,768, primarily comprised of Nova Scotian descendants. Leuer undoubtedly embraced in the rich tradition of raspberry and strawberry production of his hometown, probably basking in the haunting moonlight that cascades across the Orono rooftops and illuminates a young Jon fearlessly skipping through the dewy strawberry patches that sparkle like diamonds from the soft kiss of the moon's glow.
This was Jon Leuer as a child, an innocent beacon of Nova Scotian hopes and dreams. This Jon Leuer played as a basketball guard for his beloved Orono High School. And as six foot tall guard, Leuer averaged 18 points and 8 rebounds a game during his junior season. My goodness! Those are quite the stats, and I'm sure Jon was making his family, his school his entire hometown very proud. But it wasn't enough for Jon. Jon's thirst for glory and dominance wasn't quenched. In fact, he had hardly even taken a sip of what he knew, in his mind, was rightfully his.
Before Leuer's senior season at Orono High School, Jon inexplicably transformed his body's height from six feet, zero inches and grew a scientifically freakish ten inches in height, allowing his frame to tower over the weaklings that Jon yearned to control and gave him the power he needed to make a switch to the post. How is this possible? How can one human man find enough biological energy and sustenance to cause cellular explosion at rate concentrated enough to cause a young boy to mutate into a gargantuan monstrosity of a homo sapien?
Well, the first thing I notice when examining data and evidence is that, in the 2000 Census, the town of Long Lake had a human population of 1,842 amongst 759 households. In the 2010 Census, Long Lake's population had dropped to 1,768 humans over 732 households.
What caused this shift in population? Could it be possible that Jon Leuer, our beloved Memphis Grizzly, was consuming people in a cannibalistic frenzy in order to allow some metaphysical entity with which he has made an eternal pact to enter his body and use the souls of the people he consumed to achieve the physical transformation that Leuer so desired?
Probably not, but the evidence of absence is not the absence of evidence (or something like that). Could it be that the University of Wisconsin, in an attempt to chokehold the Big 10, sent in a genetically altered clone of Leuer to replace the original? Could the actual Jon Leuer be buried under a patch of strawberries or be cryogenically frozen at the University of Wisconsin?
My research and extensive browsing of Wikipedia may never be able to give us the answers. There may be some secrets that are better left alone. Sometimes dead is better. But one thing will certainly always remain attached to Jon Leuer's name:
Seriously? Dude? You grew 10 inches in high school? Wow. Could you sit and watch your legs grow?
(author's note: I love Jon Leuer and I'm very excited to see what he does this season)
Oh, and I wish I could find this in print: