Tony Allen: Steam Room via Hoverboard
Sometimes you wake up and feel like death, and just need someone or something to carry you into the spa. Float like a cloud into the steam room and sweat it all out man.
Zach Randolph: Hair of the Dog that Bit You
The spacing issues created by ZBO heavily contributed to our fifty point loss against the Dubs, but ZBO is why we won this game against the Kings. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s a snake eating its own tail. It’s who we are and why we can’t change.
Marc Gasol: Chipotle
The number one most desired solution upon waking up. Sure enough, it’s delicious and antidotal at the time, but it’ll put you back in the bathroom pretty quick. Begs the question: why even go here at all if you’re just trying to heal up? Really though, why the hell did we allow Marc to stay in the game when he couldn’t keep his neck straight?
Courtney Lee: Coconut Water
Sweet, refreshing, and smooth: coconut water will pick you up and make you feel like you’re relaxing on a beach.
Mike Conley: Alka Seltzer
Fast-acting relief. If you need to get over your hangover with speed, alka-seltzer’s what you need. I don’t care if you don’t like how it tastes. Soon enough you’ll associate it with making you feel better, much like how everyone thought Mike Conley would never become a shooter when he entered the league.
Jeff Green: 91.7 The Jazz Lover
Who says you have to eat or drink something to get over a hangover? Just tune your radio dial to 91.7 and let the smooth jazz ease you into a state of supreme relaxation. If Ben Carson isn’t elected as our next president, he’d have a bright future as one of this station's coma-inducing disk jockeys. In all seriousness however, Jeff has looked more aggressive and that’s great, but not great for this metaphor.
Beno Udrih: nearly expired Advil
It’s not the sexiest or most efficient remedy, but sometimes all you got in the medicine cabinet is some advil.
Matt Barnes: Twitter Feud
We all like to party like Tom Hardy, but sometimes you wake up and it feels like Michael Bay is repeatedly clapping jumbo cymbals over your head. For some people, the best way to cope with the pain is to share it with others. It’s the mean thing to do but you’ve got fire under your feet.
Brandan Wright: Sausage McGriddle
A greasy singularity from which no hangover may escape. Nip the worst in the bud by introducing your hangover to this event horizon and feel all the sickness absorb and disappear into the slimy cannonball that’s now in your stomach.
Russ Smith: Granola Bar
Ok this one didn’t help out too much.
Jordan Adams/Vince Carter: Call in sick and go back to bed
Sometimes neglecting your responsibilities, rolling over, and sinking back into the safe, comfy warmth of your bed is your best bet. If you showed up you’d probably look like a fool, so let’s do everyone a favor and rest up until we’re useful again.