Last night the Memphis Grizzlies won another game in pretty spectacular fashion. The victims were the Detroit Pistons this time. The culprit was Matt Kelly Barnes of the National Basketball Association. Here's what happened:
It was a brief segment of time, but my brain went through quite the adventure over those 5 or so seconds that Matt Barnes took my soul hostage. In an attempt to make peace with how the Grizzlies won this game I am going to break down the spectrum of feelings I experienced – frame by frame.
It all started right here with 6 seconds left in the game. After watching the ball ping pong around the paint, which was a rollercoaster in and of itself, Matt Barnes finds some space, climbs the step stool and grasps the basketball between his two hands. In this moment I experience a sense of security. The Grizzlies will surely have several seconds to work with after they call a timeout to stop the clock. And of course they'll call a timeout and stop the clock, right? Would your natural instinct be to do anything else? Of course not. So even though the Grizzlies are down 2 points I'm still feeling safe in some way.
All right, mate. Aaaaaany millisecond now that timeout's coming. But wait, what is Matt Barnes doing? He's ... leaning, no .. lunging forward towards the Grizzlies basket, and he's dribbling the basketball?? Why is he putting the ball on the floor and letting precious tenths of seconds melt away. You've got the damn rebound. Now put your damn hands together and form a fucking letter "T" with them. Why is anything else besides that happening right now? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 .... Yes, I see (5) Memphis Grizzlies in or near the Pistons' paint and only (4) Pistons. There's someone else down at the other end of the court. I don't see where a fast break is coming from. Why is he not calling a timeout??? What is he seeing???? How do clouds form???? What do acorns taste like???? Why does O.J. Mayo think he can play point guard???? Why Thabeet???!! – which leads naturally to the next emotions.
Regret & Anger
Nah dude. What are you fuh-reaking doing!!? Everyone besides you and Courtney Lee has stopped moving, likely expecting a TIMEOUT. Definitely expecting it, in fact, because the head coach is now walking onto the court and appears to be motioning for a timeout. Goddammit Matt Barnes, why are you even playing right now? God knows where your head is at and what you're thinking about. Why did the Grizzlies trade for you? I bet Janis Timma would have immediately called a timeout in this scenario. I hate you. I hate this game. I hate this team. I hate life. I hate kittens. I hate smiles. I hate oxygen.
Hopelessness & Despair
Cool. Matt Barnes, you're now surrounded by four Pistons, you're not even to mid court yet, and even if you tried to call a timeout now, you'd probably turn the ball over or commit a charge. It looks like your passing lane to Lee might exist long enough to get the ball to someone who isn't draped in defenders, but I'm not sure you've even looked over at him during this sequence so far. Whatever you're about to do is probably going to end with a ball being swatted in your face or your body lying in shambles on the court. That's fine. I wish there was a ball flying into my face right now too with the chance that it'd knock me unconscious and erase the memory of this game from my brain. Blow the team up. Mike's probably leaving anyway. This sport is dumb. Why can't we have nice things?
LOL. Are you really about to take a shot?? Was this your plan all along? What drugs did you take before the game? Want to share? I can respect a man who makes a decision and sticks with it, but you might be a new kind of insane, Matt Barnes.
Hold on a second (of which there are two remaining), that was actually a pretty decent look, rise, and stroke. Hold on, the trajectory of the ball ... looks promising? Wait, are we doing this? Are we fucking doing this? :: Pupils dilate, nostrils flair, face flushes :: You've got to be kidding me! Matt Barnes has just done one of the most Matt-Barnesiest things in history and it has a chance to pan out well???!!!
Ecstasy & Rapture
AHhhahahhAHHHHAHBBBWWWWWOOOOOOOOOYYYYAAAAAHHHHHYHSSHSHHHHSHHHHHHHH!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! WHAT DID I JUST SEE??!????! MATT BARNES PLEASE ADOPT ME!!!!!!!!
It was an exhausting 5 seconds. Bless you, Matt Barnes. Bless us all.