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A Response To The Evil Comedian

Justin Ford-USA TODAY Sports

Before Game 2 against the Portland Trail Blazers I was searching through my Twitter feed just perusing for content when I ran upon something that I was taken aback by. The vicious comedian Ian Karmel wrote a column viciously attacking the Memphis Grizzlies and their players.

Kevin Lipe pulled a Lipe in his response earlier today. I AM MUCH MORE OUTRAGED. HOW DARE THAT COMEDIAN BE FUNNY? HOW DARE HE DO SOMETHING TO ENTERTAIN THE PUBLIC? LET US LASH OUT AT HIM WITH OUR FULL FORCE. I appointed myself ambassador so it is my job to respond to this senseless act of hate.

This is my response.

I've got a few points to get out of my system before we get to the good stuff.

  • HAHAHAHA I'VE NEVER HEARD JAGER BOMB JOKES BEFORE. AND HOW DARE YOU BASH THAT GLORIOUS GOATEE. YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS YOU WOULDN'T LOOK THAT GOOD WITH THAT CONTROVERSIAL FACIAL HAIR.
  • The only part of Karmel's "funny" column was that Mike Conley did sap all the talent from Greg Oden to make him a top six point guard and better than Damian Lillard.
  • OF COURSE THE GUY FROM PORTLAND DOESN'T LIKE THE NEW KENDRICK LAMAR ALBUM. You probably listen to music "nobody has even heard of yet" or "it's not mainstream you wouldn't know it". That's so Portland of you, Karmel.
  • It seems everyone in Portland really doesn't like defense. Maybe they should look into that.
  • I can't wait for Spain to declare war on Portland. Just Portland. They'd take over in 30 minutes with three nerf guns and a couple traffic cones that shut down bike lanes.

Game 3 is tonight and the Grizzlies have a 2-0 series lead. The Grizzlies are stuck in Portland playing in the Moda Center and looking to take a 3-0 lead. The Grit and Grind squad is being subjected to large amounts of flannel, soft rock and Fred Armisen. I don't know how Tony Allen is functioning in a place with "eclectic" coffee shops on every corner.

The Grizzlies have never had a playoff opponent like this. The Blazers don't inspire the hate the Clippers do or the frustrations the Spurs do. They bring out a disinterest Memphians have with watching their Grizzlies beat down an inferior opponent. If my prediction holds the Grizzlies will break out the defense on the Blazers, while the offense returns to it's previous form. They will win a thrilling Game 3, 74-0. Damian Lillard will finally give up on basketball and become a rapper. LaMarcus Aldridge will give up a game early and go to a more interesting city like San Antonio.

I broke down the key contributors from the Portland Trail Blazers and guess what? I TOO ENJOY HYPERBOLE, MR. KARMEL.

COACH TERRY STOTTS: I've only seen two cool people named Terry before. One is my grandfather and the other wore roller skates in "Reno 911". Stotts is the dad from your favorite TV show that gets really upset that his daughter is dating a skateboarder.

POINT GUARD AMIAN LILLAR: Do you get it? I took the D's out because he can't play defense.

SHOOTING GUARD WESLEY MATTHEWS ARRON AFFLALO: Arron can't spell Aaron right.

SMALL FORWARD NICOLAS BATUM: I know you hate Spanish players because you lose to them so often, but do you have to go around punching them in the nards? I mean, that just seems mean. You fall into a category with Reggie Evans now. Welcome to nard puncher/grabbers city population two: Evans, Reggie and Batum, Nicolas. I'm surprised your homeless friend teammate and noted anti-nard puncher Chris Kaman even talks to you after that.

POWER FORWARD LAMARCUS ALDRIDGE: I can't wait for the day when LMA dons a Spurs jersey so I have a reason to not like him.

CENTER ROBIN LOPEZ: He's like Brook with an afro except I'd rather have Brook.

SHOOTING GUARDS CJ MCCOLLUM AND ALLEN CRABBE: McCollum looks like he's in high school. Eat a cheeseburger, bro. Allen Crabbe looks like at any moment he could lose control of his bowels.

WATERBOY STEVE BLAKE: It really sucks that you have to play your water boy. I bet he was really good at getting everyone water, but unfortunately for Portland this isn't the hit Adam Sandler comedy "Waterboy".

RESIDENT PRETTY BOY MEYERS LEONARD: #MEYERSLEONARDSPRAYTANS

CHRIS KAMAN: Chris Kaman is the guy the Predator and Arnold Shwarzenegger have nightmares about. If you look into his eyes for too long your soul will leak out of your eyes. That's why he scores as much as he does.

THE ROSE GARDEN: I mean the Moda Center.