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Playoff Eulogy: Portland Trail Blazers

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We say goodbye to a fallen NBA team that the Memphis Grizzlies have laid to rest: the Portland Trail Blazers.

Nelson Chenault-USA TODAY Sports

During this venture that we call the NBA playoffs, the journey is fraught with attrition. Players go down due to injury (get well soon Mike), fans go down with late night exhaustion, and teams go down due to being eliminated. We get to know these teams in a series, and four wins later they are gone. Since the Grizzlies mauled this team to its inevitable end, we here at GBB would like to eulogize our fallen NBA comrades: the Portland Trail Blazers. Also, this is meant to be a light-hearted roast, so if you are offended…then it worked. If you want to read something amazing about Portland and its team, try Matt Hrdlicka’s Portland and Memphis…which is amazing. This is not that.

Friends, enemies, frienemies, well-wishers, and salty non well-wishers:

Today we are here to mourn the loss of the Portland Trail Blazers, a fifty-win team that is gone too soon.

This team is survived by the rain-soaked patrons of the Rose Garden Moda Center, the guys at Blazers Edge (who run an excellent blog that I have enjoyed reading throughout these playoffs, no joke), and that guy that wrote that piece on why Memphis sucks…that was kinda funny…whatever his name was.

I have never been to Portland, although it seems like a cool place to live. So to get a real opinion of what the place is like, I had to go to an informed source. My cousin was a Portland resident for most of the early half of this decade. He is originally from Texas, moved to Portland, and now is back in Texas. Let me say that again. He left Texas and returned to Texas instead of living in Portland. He recently sent me a list of things that suck about Portland.

The weather is bad there. If you are going to live in Portland, realize that it is going to be cold, rainy, and overcast (especially overcast) for most of the year.

So it’s like London without all the tea…and culture.

Being a lumbersexual is pretty popular these days. They are kind of like metrosexuals in the sense that they put a lot of time and energy into their looks, but they try to look rugged and outdoorsy with beards, flannel, denim, courdoroy, and boots. But they probably don’t do much outdoorsy stuff. Rather, they just look the part. Lumbersexuals are more likely to be having a latte at their favorite locally-owned coffee shop than chopping wood.

Keeping that foam out of the beard has got to be difficult. Especially with no sunlight.

The old carpet at the airport that was just torn out has a strange fan/cult following.

He’s right…it has. But do they have Tony Allen as their spokesperson?

There are a lot of homeless people in Portland. Like the most I have ever seen.

Brunch is the most important meal of the day. Portlanders love brunch and will stand outside for an hour and a half to get into their favorite brunch spot.

Maybe there aren't a lot of homeless people. Maybe it’s just a line full of lumbersexuals waiting on brunch.

Portland is full of hipsters. Again, these people are usually identified by their iconic graphic tees, skinny jeans, greasy hair, and cigarettes (preferably American Spirits). They will most definitely look down on your taste in movies and music. They are also serious and snobby about their coffee. Going to Starbucks is not cool.

I can go for most of this…I’m a music and movie snob. And I like Dunkin’ Donuts coffee better anyway. But American Spirits?? I can’t go there man.

Portland has the most strip clubs per capita in the US.

Now, I’ve never been to a strip club, so excuse me if my references aren’t quite accurate. But the next time you see a game at the Rose Garden Moda Center, just picture this. As the camera scans through the crowd, just imagine: it is more likely in Portland that someone in that crowd has been dancing nude to Pour Some Sugar on Me or Girls, Girls, Girls than in any other city in the United States. Or at least Ginuwine’s Pony.

Also, you can’t pump your own gas in Oregon. It’s the law.

This one I agree with. Do you know how gross a gas pump handle is???

So moving away from the lumbersexuals, brunchers, cruchies, vegans, super vegans, super hyper vegans, hipsters, super hipsters, militant hipsters, and all of the people that make up the inspiration for all of the characters on Portlandia, a show that's really not funny (I'm is), of the Portland area and on to the tragedy that is this year's Trail Blazers team:

This is a franchise that has had Bill Walton, Clyde Drexler, Mychal Thompson, Rasheed Wallace (BALL…DON’T…LIE), Arvydas Sabonis, Jerome Kersey, Terry Porter, Maurice Lucas, Kevin Duckworth, and even Lionel Hollins. This is a team that has the Jail Blazers in their past for God’s sake.

This is also the team that has passed on both Michael Jordan and Kevin Durant, is still paying Z-Bo, and has not won a championship since Bill Walton had working feet.

Not to say they don’t have fans. Their fans were great. Nice guys and gals all over social media.

This year’s team was completely uninspiring in play and in characters as well. They were oh so very boring, which may be the worst kind of suck.

Observe why these guys sucked:

Coach Terry Stotts: I can’t really say whether you are or aren’t a good coach. You probably are. But when your name is googled, all it does is compare your mug to Peyton Manning. Not in success. Not in professional know how. Not even how funny you may or may not be. You are compared to one of Peyton’s flaws: his weird face.


Good luck with that.

Damian Lillard: How did you make an All-Star team before Mike Conley? You ain’t Russell Westbrook, so stop trying to take over bro. Mike Conley outplayed you in each game he played in. One-eyed Conley could have outplayed you. One-eyed-pain-killer-stoned Mike Conley from Wednesday night could have out played you. Plus…you still live with your mom.

LaMarcus Aldridge: You may be the largest human being I have ever seen. You also have an incredible old school post game combined with a new school stretch four game. So they will need to build a new school in honor of your game, and you can provide the bricks…which you shot…this whole series…

I hope you do go to Dallas or San Antonio for the next few years, so that only three teams from the rest of the Western Conference outside of the Southwest division can make the playoffs and I don’t have to stay up for as few as possible west coast playoff games. Seriously, I think I have slept like 3 hours this series.

Nicholas Batum: FRENCH!

Meyers Leonard: FRENCH!

Just kidding…

At the end of game five, the Grizzlies TV play-by-play guy, Pete Pranica called Leonard the modern day Bill Laimbeer. For one thing, Steven Adams would like an apology. For another, unless you have almost killed Robert Parish, you ain’t no Bill Laimbeer. Plus, he’d have to wear that plastic, clear mask for the numerous times guys have tried to break his nose. Nobody that has that much product in his hair is going to wear a mask and not cry constantly because someone broke his nose.

Chris Kaman- other lumbersexuals in Portland ask what the hell is wrong with your beard…and face.

Robin Lopez: I hope that in the off-season he finally does get to kill Bart Simpson

Nobody who is evil could ever be German

Watch out for those rakes:

Aaron Afflalo- He’s an assassin you know

A stumbling assassin…

Wesley Matthew: You know, there is a guy every year that becomes the stat guys favorite. This year it was you, Wesley Matthews. You have been described by the stat nerds with words like "two-way" and "efficient".  Sounds good right?

You know who it was a couple of years ago: Quincy Pondexter. Better save that money you’re about to get, man.

C.J. McCollum: My dad grew up in south Texas. Like most guys at the time, he played football. When they would have a game on Friday night, the night before, they would sneak over the border into Mexico and go see a witch doctor to try to influence the spirits of fortune to seal the game in their favor.

So I’m taking up a collection. I feel like it’s necessary for someone to go see a witch doctor, a voodoo priestess, a gypsy, or even one of those Magic: The Gathering nerds to get some retribution on you, C.J. I mean…did you see Mike’s face last night?

Wait…maybe you are cursed enough already…since you have to live in Portland most of the year.

The 2014-2015 Portland Trail Blazers: Apparently you do lose to Spanish players. Adios amigos.

S/O to my cousin Bryce for his Portlandian insight.