Editor’s note- This article is written in good fun. Enjoy it in that spirit and relax.
I remember a time, not so long ago, when my family would retire to the TV room after dinner, nest in couches and chairs, check Twitter, and then begin a conversation about Tony Allen. Because it used to be inevitable that Tony would appear on your feed. He was effervescent on the medium, tweeting Jay-Z lyrics, retweeting motivational or spiritual posts, and commenting on the NBA at large. His use of emojis was textured and cryptic, choosing the perfect emoji to capture the essence of tweets while placing the emoji in an unusual place within the tweet itself, adding only more mystique to his Twitter game.
And of course there was Fresh.
Tony refers to his adorable baby/toddler as “Fresh.” It’s unclear whether that’s really his name, but really who cares because that is an amazing name, and I am disappointed in my parents for not naming me Fresh. The re-occurrence of Fresh in his feed was one of the best continuing sub-genres of Twitter, especially in videos of the baby reacting specifically to certain key phrases, such as “All Heart,” “First Team,” and “Dab.”
Yes, I remember that time with great warmth and affection. But its gone now, that era of jubilee, as Tony Allen’s Twitter usage has slipped precipitously for unknown reasons.
That is why we (note: I*) at Grizzly Bear Blues exist, though. To provide the truth, the honest, obviously not made-up truth about all things Grizz. I took a look at Tony’s tweets to see if there were any hidden, embedded messages that might explain the dissipation of his Twitter game, and you will not believe what I found.
Tony Allen’s Twitter game has shrunk, not because he might be busy, not because less and less people actually tweet on Twitter, not because he’s just forgotten to—because he would never forget. No, something mundane and simple couldn’t possibly be the answer here. What’s taking up Tony’s time outside of basketball, limiting his tweeting ability?
He’s secretly preparing for an apocalyptic holy war between God’s followers and the rest of humanity.
Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it.
Throughout the season last year into March, Tony’ tweeting remained mostly consistent with no determinable lapses in content production. However, at the end of last year’s regular season succeeding a flurry of retweets about Kobe Bryant, Tony tweeted this:
Seemingly innocuous, right? But Tony’ tweeting began sliding after this tweet. He didn’t tweet for another three days, then two tweets two days later, a singular retweet six days after that, one tweet three days later, and not another tweet for ten whole days. The whole offseason looked like this whereas before with one tweet there was always the promise of another or of at least a handful of retweets.
There was also something peculiar about the phrase, “Back to the drawing board.” Back to what drawing board? Why back to the drawing board? Whose board is he returning to and is that person the board belongs to significant?
The answer to these questions did not become clear until a tweet on May 25th arose on his timeline:
Tony wasn’t speaking of Coach Joerger’s drawing board or his own drawing board; he was speaking of God’s drawing board, on which He was crafting a plan like a coach draws up an out-of-bounds play. By now the deity had confided with Tony the “Plan .”
And don’t think there wasn’t a reason God chose Tony. If you squint hard enough, you can just make out in the blurry photograph attached to the tweet that Tony wears a bracelet that reads, “I AM SECOND.” It’s a signal that God has chosen him as his second in command, his right hand [no pun intended] man.
But the questions only get murkier from here: why choose Tony? What’s the Plan ? And why would Tony be so cryptic about his prophetic gift?
The answers to these question begin to unravel if we examine a tweet from only a day prior:
The return of Fresh. Though he appeared in two tweets at the Memphis Zoo earlier that day, those showed Fresh doing normal Fresh things like standing or sitting. This though, was of a totally separate genre. You can see he’s wearing an intense sort of crown on his head that may or may not be promoting a feature film. Now it was still unclear what Tony was up to with these tweets, but with another Fresh tweet fourteen days and seven tweets later, the code crumbles:
Why would Fresh need to be wearing military garb? Why, in the earlier photo, was Fresh wearing a threatening, hard-looking crown? Why would he be worrying about The Huntsman and Winter’s War? And why would Tony make this his Twitter profile picture?
And THAT’S when it became clear that Tony Allen’s Twitter decline is linked with his prophetic knowledge of a forthcoming holy war, a war from which he wants to protect his son. Two consecutive tweets of Fresh with protective head gear on, including one in which he’s wearing an army helmet, a tweet with the words “Winter’s War,” Tony’s connection as God’s second in command, as a prophet, it all started falling into place.
Since then, he’s continued to tweet and retweet hidden messages about the impending apocalypse. Four days after the Fresh army post he tweets out “GOD IS GOOD ” reinforcing what we already know about his deep-seated connection with the man upstairs. Two tweets later he retweets @wordsporns in a tweet which reads, “Life doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger.” Another reference to the war and God’s army’s growing strength, as well as the difficulty he’s had protecting Fresh from impending doom.
On June 19 he retweets an @inspirestagram tweet which says, “God give you life to enjoy it.” With inevitable war poised to destroy us all, better to enjoy life while you still can. Then he retweeted another Inspire tweet a couple days later:
All things happen in god's perfect time.— Inspire (@inspirestagram) June 21, 2016
Again, a reference to the Plan which will soon unfold in “god’s perfect time” a.k.a. winter. Why winter? So He can give the Earth back to His chosen people to repopulate in Spring, of course.
Since then Tony has gone even darker, only resurfacing to support his good friend Chris Vernon upon his move from ESPN to Grind City Media. There are still many questions to be answered, though. Does Vernon know about the Plan and if so, how much? Why did God choose Tony? Why must First Team be so cryptic? Will Fresh be safe? Will we be safe?
These questions remain in the balance, but for now we know for certain that Tony’s been trying to reveal God’s secret plan to invent a holy war to save His people, and THAT is why his Twitter game has declined in recent months.
... or maybe he just doesn’t want to tweet anymore. Idk, you can choose to believe your own truth ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.