***With the Grizzlies being in the unenviable position of being in the bottom half of the Western Conference, some have already started to look forward to the trade deadline and the free agent period and the off season. Also, political change is in the air with the beginning of the caucus/primary season in the election process of the United States of America. Here at GBB, we have decided to combine both. Below is a transcript of a debate held shortly after the Iowa caucus between some of the more major players in the Presidential election on how each candidate would fix/lead our beloved Memphis Grizzlies going forward.
Oh…and this is satire. Pure honest-to-God satire. And you are right…I probably do hate whoever your candidate is ***
Matty B: Good evening, and welcome to the 2016 Memphis Grizzlies Presidential Summit. Within the next ten months, one of these candidates will be elected as the President of the United States…which means that the other three will still need jobs. This is where Grizzly Bear Blues comes in. We want to set one of these presidential candidates as the best candidate to help mold the future of the Memphis Grizzlies. So tonight is all about these candidates and the ideas they have going forward.
But first…our introductions.
Starting on the far left, because he is, Senator Bernie Sanders from Vermont. Senator Sanders…thank you for joining us.
Bernie Sanders: Thank you. I’m so happy to be a part of this assemblage of some of the finest American minds…and the other three bums here on this stage. Now…does anyone know where I can take my letter and collect my million dollars????
Matty B: Not really. To his right, former First Lady, Senator from New York, and Secretary of State for the Obama administration, Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Thank you Matty so much for this invitation to be on this esteemed panel. I am honored.
MattyB: Interesting choice of outfit
Clinton: You don’t like it. Really…I can change….I mean it! I will change…JUST LIKE ME PLEASE!!!!!!
MattyB: Moving on…To her right. Senator from Texas and defiantly not a Canadian…he asked me to say that…Senator Ted Cruz
Ted Cruz: Thank y’all for the invite. Being the only true AMERICAN Southern Conservative on this panel, when I heard that there was this hoe-down of ideas I had to come on out and find out what this is all aboot…ahem…I meant about.
MattyB: Ok…and finally…Former television reality star and failed owner of an USFL franchise, Donald Trump…who is apparently running late, but will be here later. He will be represented by this anthropomorphic hat.
Donald Trump Hat: Thank youuuuuuu for that warm and friendly introduction. You love Trump hat…(points at Cruz) This guy loves Trump hat…Everyone loves Trump hat.
MattyB: And over in the corner…third place finisher and a guy who…and he told me to say this…does not have a sweating problem, Marco Rubio.
Marco Rubio: (off mic) Can I talk?
MattyB: No, you may not. Thank you, candidates. Here is the format. I will ask three simple questions about the future of the Memphis Grizzlies. Each candidate will have two minutes to answer with no rebuttal, although I’m not entirely sure why I’m reading this because no one ever pays attention to the rules anyway.
So let’s get started with the first question. And we will start with Senator Sanders. Senator Sanders, what makes you qualified to run the Memphis Grizzlies?
Sanders: Good Question. If you look at the normal qualities of a person in leadership of a professional sports team: business sense, competitive, easy going public persona…I have none of these. But who needs any of that crap anyway? Listen…what the American people and fans of the NBA need is revolutionary thinking. And it’s all right here in my seventy two point revolutionary plan to improve the NBA. First point…every year the money that is made by each team is put back into a large pot and then given as salary cap bonus for the team that finishes in last place. Case in point…if the Grizzlies finish in last place this year…they then have 1.7 trillion dollars in salary cap next season, giving them the leg up to finish in first nest season. Second, contracts are trusts that need to be busted up. The NBA should be way more like pick-up basketball. Just join a team one night, play a game, and pick up a check…after that check is heavily taxed by me and the league. Easy. Third…
MattyB: That’s time, and you didn’t really answer the question. Secretary Clinton…same question
Clinton: (morphing into the mom from That 70’s Show) Well I appreciate the question and have a humdinger of an answer. See, it’s my pure of heart and loving female nature that would make me the best candidate going forward to run the Memphis Grizzlies. I’m familiar with the area, being the wife of the former governor of Arkansas. I’ve been in business. I’ve been in government. And at the end of the day, I’ve got this big lug by my side.
Everyone seems to like what he does and hates everything I do anyway. (Grating laughter)
MattyB: Thank you, Secretary Clinton. Senator Cruz….
Cruz (finishing off a plate of poutine) Yes…ummm (looks down and sees gravy stain on his tie) Geez…I just got this frickin’ tie to replace the one that I got Kraft dinner on at the Thunder Bay game da other day…Wait…what was the question????
MattyB: Moving on. Donald Trump Hat….
Rubio (off mic interrupting) Can I say something before the hat?
Trump Hat: No you may not. Listen here, Puddles. You need to win something before you can speak. Ok, junior?
Rubio: (still off mic) But you haven’t won anything yet
Trump Hat: I win at life, alright. And that’s my platform. First of all, you people here in Memphis would be very lucky to have me as the leader guy of your sports franchise. For one thing, the Grizzlies were born outside of America, and that used to mean something around here. So you’re lucky I’m involved at all. Second, I’m f%&^% rich. Like I could buy your franchise with the loose bills in my couch cushions. I spend more money on hair care products…which I totally and honestly need…than the Grizzlies are worth. And everyone knows that people who are good at business and are filthy f$%&@*& rich are better at everything than everyone else, including life. So this is why I am most qualified. You might say I’m over qualified…that’s how qualified I am. I’m awesome and you will assuredly fall apart with me. So listen to what I say or prepare to fail. Question over…I win.
MattyB: We don’t really have winners and losers here…
Trump Hat: (interrupting) You’re right…we only have one solitary winner here and a bunch of losers. (laughs to self…however a hat does that).
MattyB: Alright…Question two…With the Grizzlies having a semi-firm grasp on the fifth spot in the Western Conference. The highest the team could probably get is fourth, the lowest is probably sixth unless something catastrophic happens. With the trade deadline looming, if you were the GM of the Memphis Grizzlies, what would be your roster building strategy going forward? Do you go for broke, do you stand pat, or do you think about the future?
Secretary Clinton, the floor is yours.
Clinton: (morphing into Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn) Well…you know it’s always tough to make a decision that has such an interesting effect on the future. I’ve been there. I’ve made decisions: how to handle terrorism abroad, how to be the strong face with and against facets of the Arab Spring, and how to decide on having my own personal email server at my house. Having said all that, I feel like Chris Wallace has done a good job going forward, with the resigning of Marc Gasol, Zach Randolph, and Tony Allen, and the acquisition of Jeff Green. The team has been good and bad this season, but if I were running the Grizzlies, my administration would build on the successes of the previous regime and make the Grizzlies ready to compete with the world going forward.
Dammit, these shorts are uncomfortable. You nerds better like this?
MattyB: Senator Cruz…You’re up.
Cruz: (putting down a Timbit and a Molson Ice) You know Matty, I was taking a jog through my neighborhood the other day, and I was listening to my running mix, and it was shuffling through all my favorites: Rush, Bryan Adams, Alanis Morisette, Neil Young, the Tragically Hip…you know, all of the classics, and our national anthem came in through my earbuds. And after weeping uncontrollably the first time through, I hit repeat and began to really listen and feel the words to this song. Listening to the deep meaning and powerful language of Celine Dion singing the following lines:
Our home and native land
True patriot love in all thy sons command
With glowing hearts we see thee rise
The True North strong and free
From far and wide, O Canada,
We stand on guard for thee
God keep our land, glorious and free
O Canada we stand on guard for thee (stands on the podium)
O CANADA WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THEEEEEEEEEEEE!
That should tell you everything you need to know about me Matty. Everything.
(Cruz falls off the podium)
Matty B: Umm…Trump Hat…you’re up next.
Trump Hat : If there is anything I have learned by sitting on the head of the most brilliant man in the known universe is this: Fifth place means one thing…that you are simply one of the 31 other losers in this league. Fifth place is nothing. Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuthing. So lemme tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going in there and firing everybody. Who am I going to replace them with…don’t worry about it…I got guys who can handle this. I’m gonna add players to this roster. Did I say trade or sign? I did not. I’m just going to add guys. Lebron James. Kevin Durant. That little Curry kid…I like him, he’s totally a Grizzly. Just throw money at the problem always fixes everything. Don’t worry about this. Before long the Grizz will go from fifth loser to top of the heap, baby.
MattyB: Senator Sanders….your plans for the future of the Grizzlies?
Sanders: This entire debate is complete and utter nonsense. This thing is about issues, not loosely thin veiled plans, kind platitudes, and Canadian know-how. I at least impart agree with the Trump hat, everyone should be fired. Players too. Not only should they be fired, they should be made to give up their salary distribute it back to the season ticket holders, the media members at large, and people just watching the game from home. Your television set should work like an ATM. Every time you turn on a Grizzlies game…fifty bucks in the slot. For nothing. And who should be playing in these games. Good old American work forces. Throw some season ticket holders out there. Toss the Grizz Girls on the court. Find some guys off the street. Hey…are you an accountant that hates your job. YOU CAN BECOME A GRIZZLY AND IT DOESN’T EVEN IF YOU ARE 5’3" AND ARE BUILT LIKE A PEAR. COME ON DOWN
Speaking of things to yell about…this whole debate format is a media driven sham. You know… It’s bad enough you make me stand up here with the corrupt shapeshifter, the sweaty guy without the microphone, and the empty-headed Canadian, now I gotta follow the most pro-capitalism person on the entire planet. A person…well a hat representative of said person...that may actually be made of money. No skin, bones, or organs, just money…I mean seriously…I’d like to have his DNA checked for….(everyone looks to the right)
Trump: I believe that you will find my DNA to be quite in order
(Trump wheels in and takes his place on the dais)
MattyB: Welcome to the debate Mr Trump.
Trump: (nods while holding down his right arm down) Thank you for having me.
Matty B: Quick bonus question for all of the candidates. Which is your favorite Grizzlies player?
Sanders: Ryan Hollins. He is tall and that should be enough for success.
Clinton: Zach Randolph, cause neither of us bluff
Cruz: Vince Carter. Loved him in Toronto
Rubio: (off mic) Jeff Green…both of us are good third options.
Trump: Who ever makes the most money and has the most class. Cause those two things are always the same
MattyB. Thanks for your responses. This is the final question of this debate. No more philosophy or loose ideas. What is your action plan for the Grizzlies following this season? We will start with Senator Cruz.
Cruz: First, I would tank the rest of this season. Then I would hope to win the draft lottery. I would then draft Auston Matthews. Continue to trade and relieve the team of all of the dead assets and replace them with guys from the AHL, including Mitch Marner and William Nylander. Use the Pittsburgh Penguin’s draft pick that we got from the Phil Kessel trade and add some blueline depth. Find some good skating for the second and third lines. Finally, need to make decisions on Nazim Kadri, Dion Phaneuff, and the goalie situation. Win our first Stanley Cup since 1967. Then add another team to Toronto and start the greatest rivalry in all of sports. That’s right…give your head a shake at that.
MattyB: that’s the action plan for the Toronto Maple Leafs. That’s hockey, Senator Cruz.
Cruz: What sport were we supposed to be talking about? Hang on, I got a plan for curling that will shampoo a baby bear.
MattyB: (shaking head) Mr. Trump…please follow up.
Trump: It’s already take care of. I’m the best candidate. I’m a winner. And I’m going to become the leader person of the Memphis Grizzlies, whether I’m president or not. Also, have you heard about my plan to repopulate the earth?
MattyB: That was…umm…that was something. Senator Sanders, any follow up?
Sanders: You know what I hate? When I can’t find matching socks. I put both socks in the wash. I take them out and put them in the dryer. When they come out, none of them match. I get those thick cotton ones too…good for keeping your feet warm in the winter. That reminds me of the time that I first got to Washington. It was 1978, and I was wearing an onion on my belt…which was the style at the time…
Rubio: (still off mic) can I finally say something?
Matty B: My God…are you still here??? Secretary Clinton, any enlightening thoughts???
MattyB: Well this was just the greatest night in the history of political/sports mashups ever. Thank you for your participation. Any last words?