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Report Card: Memphis Grizzlies vs. Boston Celtics

Woe is Memphis. Grading out the individual performances in the Grizzlies' 116-96 soul-crushing defeat at the hands of the Celtics.

Why, basketball gods? What did we do to deserve this fate?

See the kind of anguish we've already endured? And now you take away our only remaining point guard?

Basketball is a cruel mistress.

Rain gif

Chalmers

WHY?!?

Mario Chalmers: 22 min, 11 p, 5 r, 5 a, 1 s, 1 b, +2
Allen

B-

Tony Allen: 27 min, 12 p, 5 r, 2 a, 2 s, -11

Tony always gets up to play his former employers in Boston. Brought the energy but if TA is your #1 option, well...

Barnes

C+

Matt Barnes: 34 min, 12 p, 4 a, 2 r, 2 b, 1 s, -17

A blah game from Barnes, but there was this:

JaGreen

A-

JaMychal Green: 37 min, 17 p, 13 r, 2 a, 2 b, -6

Another inspired performance from JaMychal, who is gobbling up rebounds like Pac-Man in the absence of other serviceable big men. What a great find by the Grizzlies front office. And to think, all it took was half of the roster going down for him to get actual playing time!

Hollins

C-

Ryan Hollins: 25 min, 7 p, 6 r, -14

Hollins might be the most inconsequential player ever to don a Grizzlies uniform, his stiffest (HA!) competition being Hamed Haddadi and the immortal Jake Tsakalidis.

Carter

C+

Vince Carter: 27 min, 17 p, 6 r, 3 a, 3 s, 1 b, -19

Old Man Carter couldn't stick with the Celtics young and spry backcourt. Shot it well but got exposed on the defensive end. VC is the world's most effective YMCA rec league player.

Hairston

F

P.J. Hairston: 25 min, 2 p, 3 r, 1 s, -23

Woof, P.J. It'd be great if you could, in your off games, just plain ol' suck instead of suck beyond all comprehensible measure.

Office Space gif

Martin

A

Jarell Martin: 23 min, 16 p, 6 r, 1 a, 1 b, +6

The birth of J-Mart! If there was any silver lining to last night ("UGHHHHH"), okay fine, zero good feelings.

But good game, rook.

Stephenson

D-

Lance Stephenson: 21 min, 2 p, 3 a, 2 r, -18

Ugh. Lance took Mario's injury as an invitation to become a one man traveling show.

Joerger

Whatever

Head Coach Dave Joerger

Life is meaningless now, anyway.

Jon Barry

F

ESPN Broadcast Crew

Jon Barry is a circus clown with a microphone.