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Tony Allen picks his All-Stars on Periscope

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And it was amazing

Tony Allen dance

One time while I was at the FedExForum I saw Tony Allen do a hilarious thing during a timeout. The team was huddling, listening to coaches and each other talk about whatever it was that was relevant to their jobs at that time, but not Tony.

Tony was meandering around the baseline when he came upon a rogue basketball rolling aimlessly on the court. He fixated on the ball, reached out his hand in what appeared to be an imitation of a Jedi, and pretended he was using the force on the ball. Or so it appeared to me.

I tell you this tale because Allen did another fun thing today by broadcasting his All-Star votes on Periscope in what can only be deemed the most fantastic three minutes and 21 seconds of video produced this year (I checked to make sure “T-Shirt” wasn’t the same length because then we’d have an unstoppable force meets immovable object scenario).

There are so many things that are wonderful about this video.

First, Tony’s constant questioning and badgering of the people in the background is a great subplot of the video. Him asking, “Where Mike Conley at?” only to be answered by, “It’s the Eastern Conference” is adorable and endearing and helplessly funny.

His roasting of non-stars is hysterical. “Gerald Henderson?” he asks as if it were beneath him to even consider the possibility of voting for him. “Matthew Dellavedova?” He obviously did not mean to mispronounce, but unintentionally made his dismay at reading his name much more enjoyable. Then he hit us with, “MAN. JERRYD BAYLESS? Hold on man, is this real?” and I thought I was going to need new lungs because I had laughed all the air out of them. These two guys were teammates three seasons ago! And Tony throws him so much shade. I love it.

He gives a legitimate vote to Kemba Walker which I appreciated because it meant that game recognize game. He obviously respects Walker’s scoring ability and wanted to reward him for that.

But then he calls out, “Mo Williams...” followed by four and a half seconds of awkward silence where you know everyone was thinking, “Is this guy serious?” before belting out laughing at the insincerity of giving Williams an All-Star vote.

Eastern Conference frontcourt voting looked similar. He picked Andre Drummond out of respect and Luke Babbitt and Michael Beasley because he obviously did not care, though it should be noted that he didn’t not care too much (excuse the double negative). It was the right amount of not caring. He was ride or die for his teammates, showed appreciation to a few true ballers, and threw in a few throwaways because he thought it would be funny.

But by far the best part of the whole thing was when the Western Conference voting came up and he saw his name. “Tony Allen. TONY ALLEN!” he intoned in a mock-broadcast voice.

“I’m not an All-Star, man, you know what I’m saying? I’m an All-Defense guy,” Allen said after that. True self-consciousness and pure Grit n’ Grind.

He votes for Conley, then asks if he has to vote for someone else in the backcourt. Upon receiving an affirmative, he paused and said, “Oh we gotta go with me then!” Moments after declaring himself unfit to be an All-Star, he proceeds to vote for himself anyway. He truly is the perfect balance of silly and serious.

The rest of the video shows him voting for Marc Gasol, James Ennis, and Zach Randolph before singing off, but not without a hilarious mispronunciation of “Ennis” and an abrasive shoutout to Migos. Overall it was a magical experience, and an extremely in character one for Allen. 11/10 would recommend.

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