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The Grizz Fan’s Hater’s Guide: Atlantic Division

We kick off our highly sarcastic look at every team in the NBA with the Atlantic Division.

NBA: Boston Celtics at Memphis Grizzlies Nelson Chenault-USA TODAY Sports

The NBA season is almost upon us. The first games will be played tonight, and the Grizzlies will kick off the season tomorrow night, when Tony Allen and the New Orleans Pelicans visit FedExForum.

To help get you ready for the start of the season, Grizzly Bear Blues is bringing you the Grizz Fans Hater’s Guide, a succinct look at every team in the NBA with a review of their 2016-17 season and the changes they made in the offseason.

We kick off the Hater's Guide in the Eastern Conference with the Atlantic Division!

PLEASE NOTE: All commentary is 100% sarcasm and not intended to be as actual basketball analysis.

NBA: Memphis Grizzlies at Boston Celtics Bob DeChiara-USA TODAY Sports

Boston Celtics

Last Season’s Record: Congratulations! The Celtics got the one seed! And what good that’d do them? NONE. All that trying in the regular season and the only reason they managed to not get swept by Cleveland and outscored by 200 points was because LeBron got sick one game.

What’s new to hate: Isaiah Thomas, who carried this team during the fourth quarter half the season, played in the playoffs right after losing his sister. But, of course, as soon as he was on his way to Cleveland, Boston fans acted like he’d personally ratted Tom Brady out to Roger Goodell.

In exchange, the Celtics get a point guard with an injury history who’s known for over-dribbling and taking bad shots. But I’m sure boy genius Brad Stevens will turn him into Magic Johnson. Have fun watching Kyrie dribble the air out of the ball in clutch situations while Gordon Hayward is wide open! How long until Celtics fans are tired of this?

Don’t forget:

NBA: Brooklyn Nets at Memphis Grizzlies Justin Ford-USA TODAY Sports

Brooklyn Nets

Last Season’s Record: 20-62, the worst team in the league by four games. And they still don’t have their draft pick. Let’s face it: This team only exists to hand the Grizzlies an embarrassing loss for no reason.

What’s New to Hate: The Nets finally did what they’ve threatened to do for the past two seasons and shipped off their best player, Brook Lopez. In return, they got the corpse of Timofey Mozgov and social media savant, D’Angelo Russell, who Lakers fans are still sobbing over.

They also refused to give up on their dream of paying Allen Crabbe a truckload of money to shoot threes. So… good for them, I guess? I don’t know. It seems like the Nets are just here to fill space for the next couple of seasons.

Don’t forget: Jeremy Lin got dreadlocks and then managed to completely wreck Kenyon Martin by BEING NICE to him. Kenyon Martin has to delete every single account he has; that’s the rule.

New York Knicks

Last Season’s Record: 31-51, 12th in the East. But the on-court record was secondary to everything that happened off the court. They fired Phil Jackson just two months after picking up his option. They acted like they were trying to trade the one young star they have. Charles Oakley went after Dolan in the middle of a game. They completely alienated Melo and then traded him for Oklahoma City’s refuse.

But don’t worry, folks, I’m sure they’ll get it turned around!

What’s new to hate: Philosopher and neuroscientist Michael Beasley.

It is impossible to listen to this interview and not feel your brain cells dying.

Welcome newest grossly overpaid Knick, Tim Hardaway! I would’ve loved to see the reaction of the Hawks front office when they realized they wouldn’t have to match the ridiculous contract that the Knicks had handed THJ.

In the Melo trade, the Knicks also managed to acquire Enes Kanter, aka Kant Play Him. He should fit right in. The Knicks also drafted Frank Ntilikina. I can’t prove it but I would bet a small amount of money that they only did this because they thought that the Mavericks really wanted him.

Don’t forget: I think it’s worth reminding everyone that Joakim Noah is still here and being paid $18 million a year to do nothing. He’s suspended for the first ten games of the season and will also require surgery for a torn rotator cuff. The Noah contract is the only contract in existence that looks better than the Parsons contract.

Somebody please save Kristaps Porzingis and Courtney Lee from this dumpster fire.

Philadelphia 76ers

Last Season’s Record: 28-54, the first time they’ve won more than 20 games since the 2012-13 season. Joel Embiid played a whole 31 games! And let’s not forget about this guy!

If you took the worst things about Philadelphia and condensed it into a singular person, this guy is exactly what you’d get. Let’s be honest: This city deserved the tank years of the Process and none of the rewards.

What’s new to hate: J.J. Redick! Don't forget, this is a city that worships a fictional boxer played by Sylvester Stallone, so I’m sure that Podcast Boy’s jersey will sell out in seconds. The Sixers have also brought over Furkan Korkmaz, who instantly takes the title of Best NBA Pun Name.

And, of course, how can we forget the number one overall pick, Markelle Fultz.

Don’t worry, folks, I’m sure that’s not any cause for concern!

Don’t forget: Joel Embiid is going to be the greatest theoretical basketball player of all time. In 2022, he will retire having played a grand total of 164 games but with the greatest on/off numbers in history. This is karma for The Process.

NBA: Toronto Raptors at Memphis Grizzlies Nelson Chenault-USA TODAY Sports

Toronto Raptors

Last Season’s Record: 51-31. The Raptors went ALL IN last year at the trade deadline by acquiring PJ Tucker. Cleveland laughed them out of the playoffs in four games by an average margin of 15. Imagine how bad it would’ve been if they didn’t have Tucker!

What’s new to hate: Well, Kyle Lowry signed a multi-year deal here, which is probably the best the Raptors could do. Demar DeRozan is here to take long twos and look great during the regular season only to SOMEHOW disappear as soon as the playoffs start.

Also, KJ McDaniels! Everyone loves him but for some reason he can’t seem to stick anywhere. Gee, I wonder if it’s because he sucks? Nah, couldn’t be!

Don’t forget: Remember when the Raptors made the Eastern Conference Finals and actually won two games? Remember how they only made it that far by surviving a first round scare against the Pacers and then playing a Heat team that was playing Justise Winslow at center? That may have been the high water mark for this team.