To help get you ready for the start of the season, Grizzly Bear Blues is bringing you the Grizz Fans Hater’s Guide, a succinct look at every team in the NBA with a review of their 2016-17 season and the changes they made in the offseason.
Yesterday we covered the Eastern Conference. Today, we go West, starting with the Pacific Division and the defending champs.
PLEASE NOTE: All commentary is 100% sarcasm and not intended to be as actual basketball analysis.
Last Season’s Record: 67-15. They added Kevin Durant. They went 16-1 in the playoffs. They won the title. Most importantly, though, they ruined basketball.
What’s New to Hate: It wasn’t enough for the Warriors to just add Kevin Durant and make the league completely uninteresting from a competitive balance standpoint. They also had to come along and add some of the most fun role players as well, ruining them by association.
Omri Casspi, who was inexplicably waived by the Pelicans last season, is here now because of course the Grizzlies didn’t sign him. Swaggy P is also here. I can’t even cheer for these guys now because they’re on the Warriors.
And let’s not forget about Jordan Bell. The Bulls drafted Bell 38th and then sold his draft rights to the Warriors because the 2017 Bulls are the 1996 Bulls of doing idiotic things.
Don’t Forget: Kevin Durant has burner accounts and can’t laugh at himself. What a coward.
Last Season’s Record: 51-31, bounced in the first round of the playoffs. But none of that really matters any more. CP3 is gone, and this team will now turn to Blake Griffin to carry them for the 50 games or so that he’ll be healthy.
What’s New to Hate: WELCOME TO SCHADENFREUDE-VILLE, FOLKS. There is nothing better than seeing Chris Paul demand a trade and then hearing people say it was because CP3 was mad about Austin Rivers being on the team. I don’t care if it’s true or not because it makes the entire situation more hilarious.
The Clippers signed Danilo Gallinari, who will be competing with Blake Griffin for most games missed due to injury. He’s already taken a page out of Griffin’s book by breaking his hand while punching someone. CLIPPERS CULTURE, BABY.
In addition to Gallo, the Clippers snagged Lou Williams, Sam Dekker, and Grizz fans’ wet dream Patrick Beverley in the Chris Paul trade. They drafted Chris Vernon’s favorite, Sindarius Thornwell. And, to top it off, they signed Euroballer Milos Teodosic, who looks like he might be living out of a boxcar.
every photo of Milos Teodosic makes it look like the Clippers are holding his family hostage and forcing him to play basketball for them pic.twitter.com/qQXiCLoHsV— sreekar (@sreekyshooter) October 6, 2017
All of this sounds great until you realize everything that the Clippers lost. It wasn’t just CP3. Jamal Crawford signed with the Timberwolves; Raymond Felton joined a much better big three in OKC; Luc Mbah a Moute is in Houston; J.J. Redick joined the Process. Also Paul Pierce
enrolled in AARP and moved to Florida retired (this is addition by subtraction).
Don’t Forget: Blake Griffin got a $173 million contract without a no-trade clause so he is 100% getting salary dumped at some point.
Last Season’s Record: 26-56. They went on a five-game winning streak at the end of the season and probably would’ve lost their pick if the lottery wasn’t rigged.
What’s New to Hate: Look, I know that the Lakers added Kentavious Caldwell-Pope and Brook Lopez via free agency and trade, and I know they drafted Kyle Kuzma who everyone is now in love with based on Summer League and preseason. But this is all about Lonzo Ball and his dad. STAY IN YOUR LANE.
I can’t wait until Luke Walton benches Lonzo after a mistake and LaVar storms onto the court. You know something ridiculous is going to happen. Also Lonzo is going to win Rookie of the Year based solely on being in Los Angeles.
Pro Tip: If you want to get under Lakers fans’ skin, make a joke about how Lonzo is afraid of DeAaron Fox. They are completely unable to take a joke about this.
Don’t Forget: Metta World Peace played 25 games for this team last year. Shout out to my favorite Metta World Peace quote.
can we at least agree that this was Artest's best quote: pic.twitter.com/FdG86sVwwK— De'Scare-on Fox (@BallFromGrace) June 11, 2016
Last Season’s Record: 24-58. This team sucks and they’re going to suck again this year. Bet your house on it.
What’s New to Hate: Troy Daniels! The Grizzlies basically salary dumped Daniels to the Suns, which is great because Daniels famously got into it with Suns “superstar” Devin Booker last year when the Grizzlies beat Phoenix in what was one of the best moments of the season. Also Devin Booker is mad overrated.
Josh Jackson is actually fairly exciting, but he’ll be a rookie. The Suns also have Marquese Chriss (who might be bad), Dragan Bender (who has a cool name), and they brought back Alex Len. What’s left of Tyson Chandler is still on this team.
Don’t Forget: Vince Carter with the elbow!
Vince Carter got ejected after dropping Devin Booker with a right elbow to his jaw.— NBA SKITS (@NBA_Skits) March 1, 2017
Last Season’s Record: 32-50. They finally traded Boogie! Right after saying they weren’t going to trade Boogie! It was #PeakKings
What’s New to Hate: The Kings had a bunch of money in free agency, so of course they left that open so that they could take on salary dumps and acquire more future assets. HAHA JUST KIDDING THEY SPENT A BUNCH OF MONEY ON OLD PLAYERS.
You already know the story. Vince Carter, who will play basketball for as long as Jaromir Jagr is playing hockey, is here. The innocent Zach Randolph is here. And George Hill is also here for 3 years and $57 million just one year after turning down what could’ve been a 4 year $80+ million extension from the Jazz. Maybe Hill should fire his agent.
As for young talent, yes, the Kings have a lot of great rookies. They have my large adult son DeAaron Fox, as well as Harry Giles, Justin Jackson, and Frank Mason. This should be reason for optimism. “Yeah,” you might think, “the Kings suck, but their young guys will get lots of experience!”
I’m not falling for this. I’ve seen this movie before and I know how it ends. Dave Joerger will give 40 minutes a game to Z-Bo and Vince Carter and George Hill while all of that wonderful Kings potential rots on the bench before heading to China and averaging 60 points a game. I STILL BELIEVE IN YOU, RUSS SMITH.
Don’t Forget: Buddy Hield has Steph Curry potential! (P.S. I actually really like Buddy Hield.)