To help get you ready for the start of the season, Grizzly Bear Blues is bringing you the Grizz Fans Hater’s Guide, a succinct look at every team in the NBA with a review of their 2016-17 season and the changes they made in the offseason.
Now, we move to the Northwest Division.
PLEASE NOTE: All commentary is 100% sarcasm and not intended to be as actual basketball analysis.
Last Season’s Record: 40-42. They traded Jusuf Nurkic to the Blazers and then had to watch as said Blazers took their playoff spot.
What’s New to Hate: Paul Millsap! The Nuggets were 29th in defense last year, just ahead of the Lakers and just behind the 24-win Suns, but I’m sure that paying a 31-year-old $30 million a season will solve all of those problems. No chance this goes poorly!
More importantly than the Millsap deal, though is the fact that the Nuggets gave Mason Freaking Plumlee a $41 million dollar extension because I guess he has compromising photos of the entire front office. The Plumlees are bred in a lab by Coach K and will never leave. They will continue to inhabit NBA rosters long after we are gone.
Don’t Forget: EVERYONE MAKE SURE TO WATCH NIKOLA JOKIC THE GREATEST CENTER OF ALL TIME (PLEASE PAY NO REGARD TO HIS DEFENSE). Also Emmanuel Mudiay sucks.
Last Season’s Record: 31-51. There were some people who projected this team to win FIFTY GAMES last season! Every year is the year the Wolves “make the leap.” And of course, with Butler added, those same predictions are back. Vegas has their win total at 48.5. HARD PASS.
What’s New to Hate: Thanks to Chicago incompetence, the Wolves were able to add Jimmy Butler while also ditching Zach LaVine, who’s coming off a busted ACL, and Kris Dunn, who might already be a draft bust.
Minnesota then decided to throw away all of that goodwill by signing Jamal Crawford, Taj Gibson, and Aaron Brooks (I cannot believe he is still in the league). They also gave Andrew Wiggins a giant extension even though he probably hasn’t earned that yet and may never be worth that much money.
Replacing Rubio with Jeff Teague is probably fine, but the rest of the roster moves the Wolves made this offseason look bizarre when all viewed together.
Don’t Forget: Remember when Thibs had Joakim Noah and ground him into dust by playing him 37 minutes a game? I fully expect him to do the exact same thing with KAT.
Last Season’s Record: 47-35. As soon as you play Russell Westbrook more minutes in the playoffs, he becomes unable to carry his team. SHOCKING! Whoda thunk that Russell Westbrook would actually get tired?
What’s New to Hate: Sam Presti is a dark wizard. A year after losing Kevin Durant, OKC’s GM turned Enes Kanter, Doug McDermott, Victor Oladipo, and Domantas Sabonis into Paul George and Carmelo Anthony. AND they managed to sign Patrick Peterson for a discount! OKC should pay Presti all of the money.
The only hope for OKC to fail—outside of massive injuries—is that the three stars don’t gel and somehow chemistry issues cause them to implode. It’s not impossible. Either way, we all know this team isn’t back together next season. I would bet good money that Paul George is in L.A. next year. No one wants to live where the best restaurant is Applebee’s.
Also still here is Andre Roberson, aka
Poor Man’s Homeless Man’s Tony Allen.
Don’t Forget: I am extremely here for Russell Westbrook’s #PettyWar against Kevin Durant. Adopt a cat, everyone.
Last Season’s Record: 41-41. Jusuf Nurkic helped them make the playoffs.
What’s New to Hate: Portland drafted Caleb Swanigan and Zach Collins. I’m going to be completely honest. I have absolutely no idea who either of these players is or if they’re any good but I assume that they’re probably not going to be the next NBA superstars.
Good old Evan Turner is still here to collect way more money than he should be getting paid. It’s kinda funny (read: depressing) that the Blazers signed Turner, who sucks, when Parsons, who has glass knees, turned them down. [sobs loudly]
The important thing about the Blazers is that they are a mediocre team that has a giant payroll. They matched Brooklyn’s offer to Allen Crabbe last offseason and then traded him this year because they had too much payroll. This team has locked themselves into being mediocre long term.
Don’t Forget: Dame Lillard just released a rap album and it’s not too bad but it doesn’t have “Droppin’ Dimes” on it.
Last Season’s Record: 51-31. This team was supposed to be great and then got a total of like 15 games of their planned starting five.
What’s New to Hate: George Hill’s agent is an imbecile so the Jazz replaced him with Ricky Rubio, who might be one of the most polarizing players. Wolves fans and advanced stats love him but dude can’t shoot. Thabo Sefolosha is here to fill out the bench, and Jonas Jerebko is here I guess to take Gordon Hayward’s spot as the white basketball player.
In terms of things that don’t suck, Donovan Mitchell is here now and Donovan Mitchell is going to be the greatest player ever. I know because I saw it happen at Summer League.
Don’t Forget: This team is going to be the most talented unwatchable team in the NBA. They are the new Grit ‘n’ Grind Grizzlies. Please don’t kill me.