The NBA is back! To help get you ready for the start of the season, Grizzly Bear Blues is bringing you the Grizz Fans Hater’s Guide, a succinct look at every team in the NBA with a review of their 2016-17 season and the changes they made in the offseason.
We wrap things up with a look at the Grizzlies' division, the Southwest, and even give a little hate to the team we all love. Because sometimes it's good to laugh at yourself.
PLEASE NOTE: All commentary is 100% sarcasm and not intended to be as actual basketball analysis.
Last Season’s Record: 33-49. They started terribly and then ended not as terribly.
What’s New to Hate: Dennis Smith Jr. Slang that wood, baby.
Old deleted tweets aside, the Mavs getting Smith as low as they did was a steal. The Mavs are lowkey set up to be pretty good in the future.
Of course, that might depend on how things go with Nerlens Noel. Noel is a great talent, though he comes with injury issues, and he took the qualifying offer because he thought the Mavs were lowballing him. There’s a non-zero chance that this blows up in their face.
Don’t Forget: Dirk forever.
Last Season’s Record: 55-27, good for the third seed and a first round win over Oklahoma City. But none of that matters. Let’s take a look at how it ended!
Got answers? Cause it doesn't look like James Harden and Mike D'Antoni do pic.twitter.com/deHUsOe96w— Matt Hammond (@MattHammondShow) May 12, 2017
Look at those vacant stares. Harden’s already trying to decide what strip club he’ll be spending the night at. No matter how great the Rockets look in the regular season, you can always count on them to lay a giant turd once they run into good competition.
What’s New to Hate: The Rockets were the key beneficiaries of Chris Paul getting sick of Doc Rivers’ nepotistic garbage, so now King Flop joins a team with Harden, who draws enough fouls on his own.
Of course, both Harden and Paul have already said they’re excited about working together, so I’m sure there won’t be any chemistry issues at all.
This game wasn’t even important and Paul is already yelling! Tune in for the playoffs when Chris Paul will snap Harden in half on live television. I can’t wait!
Don’t Forget: This team threw $20 million per year at Ryan Anderson and is now doing everything possible to ship him to Zimbabwe. This contract is still slightly better than the Corey Brewer contract that they just unloaded on the Lakers.
Last Season’s Record: 34-48. But don't worry, now they've had a full offseason to incorporate Boogie!
What’s New to Hate: Since they had absolutely no other options, the Pelicans backed the truck up for Jrue Holiday. Then brought in Rajon Rondo, too. Why? Who knows! It’s the Pelicans. They sign people just because.
If adding Rondo wasn’t bad enough for their spacing, the Pelicans also did what the Grizzlies wouldn’t and paid Tony Allen the minimum to come defend people and miss layups. They also traded Tim Frazier to Washington and dumped Q-Pon, who hasn’t played an NBA game since 2015, to the Bulls.
Don’t Forget: The Memphis Grizzlies scored 140 points against the Pelicans in preseason. I don't care how many times you tell me "it's just preseason." If you let THIS Grizzlies team score 140 points on you in regulation, you are bad.
Last Season’s Record: 61-21. They were completely destroying the Warriors in the Western Conference Finals. Then blockhead Zaza got under Kawhi's ankle.
What’s New to Hate: RUDY GAY. I am 100% here for the Rudy Gay redemption story. Will Rudy learn to pass the ball? Will Popovich strangle him midgame? I can’t wait to find out!
The Spurs are mostly bringing people back. Manu is back even though I thought he was gonna retire. Pau is back for way too much money again. Patty Mills is also back for not enough money. Tony Parker is still playing in spite of looking dead for all of last season up until the Grizzlies series.
Don’t Forget: Every year I say, "This is the year that the Spurs take a step back." This year I finally got smart and put money on the over. Kawhi is now injured and I have no idea how long it will be before he's back. WELP.
Last Season’s Record: 43-39. This may come as a shock, I know, but they lost in the first round of the playoffs. Again. To the Spurs. Again.
What’s New to Hate: As I am sure you're all aware, Zach and Tony are no longer here, which means that this team is now Mike Conley, Marc Gasol, Chandler "Weekend at Bernie's" Parsons, and a bunch of misfit toys. This roster is slightly improved from last year—I think—which really just goes to show you how bad the roster was last year.
The Grizzlies brought in Ben McLemore, who was bad in Sacramento and might be bad overall. McLemore has already shown commitment to the Grizzlies culture and gotten himself injured. Wayne Selden is back after destroying everyone in Las Vegas Summer League. Tyreke Evans is here to be another ball handler and ISO a bunch.
Of course, the best part about the offseason was the part where the Grizzlies signed too many players and then had to figure out which guaranteed contract to cut. They also (reportedly) told Jarell he was going to be cut, then had to do a major backtrack when Jarell looked like he could play. Also the team signed Rade and had to cut him because he couldn't keep up athletically. The Grizzlies cut a first-round pick after one year because he was terrible.
CHRIS WALLACE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
At least Mario Chalmers is back. Also Andrew Harrison made the roster and I feel extremely vindicated.
Don’t Forget: Even though they lost to the Spurs last season, at least this time: 1. They won two games; and 2. We didn't have to watch Jordan Farmar.