We don't have a Five Questions for you today, but we have something even better: a ClickHole style five questions with current Pacer (and former Grizzly) Lance Stephenson!
(Note: This is a work of satire and is not meant to be taken seriously.)
A lot of players talk about those moments when they finally feel like they belong in the NBA. When did you first feel like you'd truly made it?
It wasn't really that much different for me than with most other NBA guys. I can still remember the night when I woke up to see the Pope entering my room through the window. He crawled over to my bed, whispered, "Santa Claus isn't real," and then disappeared. I just remember breaking down crying in my bed. A lot of NBA vets tell you about that happening for them, but you never really understand how hard it's going to hit you until it actually happens.
As most of our readers know, you spent the second half of the 2015-16 season with the Grizzlies. What would you say is your fondest memory of your time with Memphis?
For me, that's easy: It's the time that I broke the world record high score in Galaga in the secret chamber beneath the Rendezvous. Everything was perfect. The chamber was playing "Sandstorm" on repeat, and I had the perfect ratio of mozzarella grease and sweat on my palms. I just couldn't miss! I scored 10,000,000 points, which was more than double the current world record. Unfortunately, the machine exploded right after I lost my last life, so I don't have the official high score, but everyone in the Rendezvous' secret room knows that Lance Stephenson is the true master of Galaga.
Do you have any pregame rituals that you follow? What's your favorite pregame music to listen to get you ready for the game?
I don't really have any pregame rituals other than the ceremonial raising of the Basketball Obelisk of Fate in the locker room, but I do have a few jams that I like to listen to before the game. Most of the time, I listen to a homemade cassette that I have which contains two hours of the sounds of Denzel Washington eating saltine crackers.
I know you probably want to keep playing basketball for a while, but have you given any thought to what you might do after your playing days are done?
I have, actually. I'm going to make a shot for shot remake of the James Bond movie, GoldenEye, with me playing James Bond, Winnie the Pooh playing Trevelyan, Mr. Peanut as Moneypenny, and Blackbeard the Pirate as Q. I've already gotten everyone to sign a contract obligating them to film this movie with me, and we've secured funding through an ancient order of the Lizardmen. I love playing in the NBA, but it's this dream of seeing my vision come to life on the big screen that really keeps me going.
Do you have any regrets from your NBA career?
For me, the only regret I have is that the painter Bob Ross died far too early. I remember watching his painting show as a child, knowing that he was attempting to find the perfect place for his happy clouds in order to usher in the end of days. But unfortunately, he never got the chance. Now, in order for our world to get true closure, we will have to wait for his successor, someone who can discover the true power of the paintbrush in order to bring about Armageddon.