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This is How You Stop Kawhi Leonard

It’s gonna work.

NBA: Playoffs-San Antonio Spurs at Memphis Grizzlies
Even double teams can’t stop Leonard
Justin Ford-USA TODAY Sports

Memphis Grizzlies head coach David Fizdale jokingly asked during a press conference for suggestions on how to guard Kawhi Leonard. “I've tried everything,” he said, which is mostly true.

He’s tested James Ennis III, Wayne Selden, Vince Carter, and JaMychal Green against Leonard, and Marc Gasol has fared just as poorly when switched in pick and roll situations. There really aren’t many other options except to outright double team the San Antonio Spurs forward.

But, there may be some extra-legal manners in which the Grizzlies could stop Leonard. Let’s take a look at those.

Sneak a Sixth Player onto the Floor

via ESPN

There would be no truer use of a sixth man than to covertly send an extra defender onto the floor to double team Leonard. The league would have to retroactively take the Sixth Man of the Year award away from Eric Gordon and give it to Zach Randolph (who I presume would be the sixth man in this situation, freeing the regular season starter Green to double Leonard with one of Selden, Carter, or Ennis). Or they could throw Mike Miller’s 2006 Sixth Man of the Year trophy out there. Literally throw it because I don’t think even that could stop Kawhi if he’s driving to the rim.

“Food Poisoning”

Gordon Hayward missed the second half of Game 4 of his first round matchup with food poisoning. So what I’m thinking is that someone in the organization could slip a little flu specimen in Leonard’s dinner tonight in San Antonio and we can all just call it food poisoning.

What? Don’t look at me like that! I’m just saying it would help us win...

Hypnotize Gregg Popovich

NBA: Playoffs-San Antonio Spurs at Memphis Grizzlies
You’re getting verrrry sleeeepy
Justin Ford-USA TODAY Sports

I feel less confident about this one, mostly because I think Pop has a mind made of fortified titanium. But the idea is that if someone could implant some game film with a pre-recorded hypnotic trance convincing Pop to rest Leonard, maybe he really wouldsit the two-time Defensive Player of the Year. Would it be a mistake on Pop’s part? Without question. But would it be out of character for him to rest a star player? I think not.

Find Leonard’s Batteries

We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Leonard is not a human being. He’s clearly a sentient, mechanized creature, whether a cyborg or a fully functional automaton, he is OBVIOUSLY robotic.

So I have a few ideas of ways to stop him that involve his hard wiring. The first is to find the charging station to his batteries. It has to be somewhere in the AT&T Center, I’m convinced. Probably in the secret underground laboratory the team built to fix and replace the inner workings of the Leonard-Bot (oh yeah, San Antonio. I’m on to you). (If I suddenly pass before this blog sees the light, you know who it was. Avenge my theoretical death, Grizz Nation.).

Find the batteries and you control the Leonard. It’s that simple. What may be a problem is if he possesses backup energy in his robotic frame or if he runs on diesel in which case...

Build a Super Magnet to Disrupt the Electromagnetic Flow Within the Leonard-Bot

I just watched the Cosmos episode on electromagnetism, so I’m basically a Ph.D. on this kind of stuff now, and it is a bona fide scientific fact that if you build a really big magnet next to electronic machinery, you will cause said machinery to malfunction.

So we send a highly skilled team of professionals to take over the underground Kawhi laboratory and use it as a base to build a super magnet with the power to send Leonard’s brain on the fritz.

I guess this would also cause him to be magnetized to the floor of the AT&T Center, which would also accomplish the goal of stopping Kawhi Leonard.

This plan is fool-proof down to a T, but for one small detail: time. Not enough time probably to have an electromagnet of that size by Game 5. Maybe by Game 7. Therefore:

Find Sarah Conner

That’s why he’s here, isn’t it obvious?

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