The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The Charlotte Horncats
2017-18 Record: 36-46, and I guarantee you it was the most forgettable 36-46 season of all time. They didn’t make the playoffs. If they hadn’t beat the Grizzlies by 61 points, their season wouldn’t have had a single memorable moment about it.
Their Superstar: Human Uzi Kemba Walker, who is also the only serviceable NBA player on this roster. Everyone else is extremely flawed. Nicolas Batum has regressed after his 1.5 good seasons. Frank Kaminsky is still more famous for what Andrew Harrison said about him in an NCAA post game interview. Michael Kidd-Gilchrist’s jump shot makes Lonzo Ball’s look technically sound. Bismack Biyombo is 50 and has not been good in half a decade. Outside of the one year where they had Jeremy Lin, the backup point guard position has been a black hole (more on that later!). And so, Kemba Walker is left to push this boulder of a roster up the regular season hill in an effort to just get the playoffs so they can get waxed in the first round.
Also, he said he didn’t want to be traded. C’mon man, what’re you even doing out here? Get out of this place! You deserve better!
What’s New to Hate: Welcome former Spur and terrible teammate Tony Parker! Now, I’m sure everyone is familiar with how Tony Parker (allegedly) sleeps with the wives of his teammates and basically called Kawhi a crybaby, but did you know that Tony Parker also isn’t good anymore? That’s right! Tony Parker is old and washed. Just imagine how bad he’s going to be now that he’s out of the Spurs system. I hope you’re all ready for him to fall straight off a cliff. He’ll be getting DNP-CDs by the All-Star Break.
The team drafted Miles Bridges out of Michigan State. Bridges was the second-best prospect on Michigan State behind a guy (Jaren Jackson Jr.) who averaged 20 minutes a game. Not great!
The Hornets also spent this offseason cleaning house. They fired their GM and replaced him with Michael Jordan’s buddy Mitch Kupchak. The last time we saw Kupchak, he was getting fired for handing out free money to the corpse of Kobe Bryant. This will absolutely end poorly.
They hired James Borrego from the Spurs. I’m sure he’ll be everything except Popovich 2.0.
What We’ve Always Hated: It’s really sad that I have to say this, but I cannot possibly make myself care about the Hornets. Two years ago they were a fun-yet-hopeless playoff team that lost in seven games to the Heat. Now? They’re a bland-yet-still-hopeless franchise with a handful of ugly contracts. The only positive thing I can say about the team this year is that at least they got rid of Dwight Howard.
That’s the problem with the Hornets, though. They’re just so, so forgettable, which I’m almost certain is some sort of karmic punishment for forcing us to endure the absolute garbage that was the Charlotte Bobcats. The Charlotte Bobcats is an Arena League team name. Even Thunder fans look back at that team’s branding and cringe. They deserve every bit of that 7-win season.
Michael Jordan is a terrible owner and the Hornets will never win anything while he’s in power.
A Hornet You May Have Forgotten: Marvin Williams, who sounds much more like an R&B singer than a basketball player.