The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: San Antonio Spurs
2017-18 Record: 47-35
FINALLY. After two decades of waiting for this team to fall off a cliff, we finally got a glimpse of Spurs mortality. They spent an entire season bickering with their star player over whether or not he was healthy. Then Tony Parker did what he always does and got into another teammate’s business and said his injury was “100 times worse.” Finally, they were forced to acquiesce to Kawhi’s trade demands and got back DeMar DeRozan, who now is furious at having been traded.
Let’s hear it for the Spurs!
It figures the one year I actually bet on the Spurs over they do this. This is absolutely my fault.
Their Superstar: I’m sure you could make a case for Demar DeRozan here, but for sheer hilarity, I’m going with LaMarcus Aldridge. Yes! That’s right! LMA is the Spurs superstar, which ought to tell you how much of a threat this Spurs team really is. LMA was almost not even on this team last year! It took him demanding a trade for Popovich to even remember that he existed! “Trade you? I didn’t even realize you were on the roster!” One of the Spurs’ most well-known fans (The Ringer’s Shea Serrano) actively calls him LMAo on Twitter.
WHY ARE YOU FADING AWAY LMAo WHY WHY WHY— Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) May 10, 2017
Remember, though, LaMarcus probably deserves this fate. He actively decided to leave Portland and playing with Damian Lillard to come play with Tony Parker. If you actively choose to play with Tony Parker, you deserve for your team to suck.
What’s New to Hate: DeMar DeRozan! Since Popovich is probably retiring in the next two years and didn’t want to have to deal with going through a rebuild, the Spurs were forced to accept Mr. Regular Season as the crown jewel in their return package for Kawhi Leonard. You probably could’ve gotten beau coup draft picks for Kawhi, but instead they took back the player who disappears as soon as the playoffs start.
Also included in the Kawhi package was Jakob Poeltl, whose last name was generated by drawing random letters from a bag. I can’t wait for the Spurs to play him and LMA together and make Nate Duncan’s head explode mid-podcast.
Marco Smellinelli is here, too! The best you can hope for with Bellinelli is competence, which the Spurs somehow manage to wring out of every single nobody on their roster for forever.
In the draft, the Spurs took steampunk star Lonnie Walker, who tweeted that he would never celebrate Independence Day. I’m sure that will play well in Texas. I bet fans turn on him by December.
What We’ve Always Hated: I think I speak for everyone outside of southern Texas when I say that I’m so glad to see this team finally start to show some cracks. Watching Kawhi force his way out was a top-five schadenfreude moment for me. I’m sure Popovich will magic his way to a middle seed with these players, but after that, it’s all downhill baby!
Seriously, I am so sick of looking at this team in the playoffs. Twenty years is too long for one team to continually make the playoffs. And are we certain they’ve even been that good since last winning the title in 2014? They had one run where they reached the Western Conference Finals before they were derailed by the lumbering Georgian oaf Zaza. Other than that, they’ve lost in the first round twice, and the one time they got into the second round they beat the Grizzlies G-League stars in the first.
And now they don’t even have the one player who might (MIGHT) have given them a chance against Golden State. Look at this roster and tell me how they’re supposed to get past anyone semi-competent. They have million-year-old Pau Gasol to pair with LMA. Rudy Gay is still here. Manu retired and Tony Parker went money chasing in Charlotte, so now their only competent ball handlers are Patty “O’Furniture” Mills and DeMar DeRozan.
Book it, folks, This Spurs team loses in the first round of the playoffs. Again.
A You May Have Forgotten: Quincy Pondexter! I did not realize this, but Q-Pon played 23 games for the Bulls last season, which should tell you a lot about the Bulls roster.