The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: Portland Try Blazers
Im trying Jennifer— CJ McCollum (@CJMcCollum) August 15, 2018
2017-18 Record: 49-33, good enough for the three seed in a stacked Western Conference. And yet here’s how they did in the playoffs:
Congrats, Portland! You must be so proud!
Their Superstar: DROPPIN’ DIMES DROPPIN’ DIMES
Yes, Portland’s superstar is none other than rapping baby Damian Lillard. Lillard is a great player, a thrill to watch, and someone who can seemingly score at will. Of course, he’s also one of the corniest players in the league. I’ve never seen anyone get so far in their feelings just because they didn’t get voted to the All-Star Game. C’mon, man.
He spent all offseason breaking news about which writers were going to the Athletic, which seems fine until you remember that CJ McCollum is supposed to be the journalist on this team. WILL THIS BE THE ISSUE THAT TEARS THIS TEAM APART?
What’s New to Hate: Given the fact that their cap sheet is completely boned until 2020, it’s fairly difficult for the Blazers to add any sort of talent. Since they couldn’t get Steph Curry, they went out and got the next best thing: Seth Curry. Seth Curry is a really good three-point shooter and pretty much nothing else. He averages 3.4 assists per 36 minutes. And that was playing for Warlock Rick Carlisle. Take him out of that system and I bet Seth immediately turns into a negative player. Have fun!
In addition to bringing back Eastern European mob boss Jusuf Nurkic, the Blazers also added a few of rookies. Anfernee Simons, who is only known because of his namesake; Gary Trent, Jr., who went to Duke; and Cameron Oliver, who sounds like a British pop star. My guess is that they will all suck.
What We’ve Always Hated: A lot of teams overpaid for free agents in the 2016 offseason, but the Portland Trail Blazers are the poster children for just how awful that offseason truly was. One look at their cap sheet is enough to turn your stomach inside out. And it could’ve been worse! They tried to throw money at Chandler Parsons. When that didn’t work out, they threw their money at Evan Turner. They overpaid Allen Crabbe and were only saved from that mistake because the Nets were even more gassed up for Crabbe than they were. Giant Justin Bieber, also known as Meyers Leonard, is getting paid over $10 million per season.
And you know what? Last season was the absolute best-case scenario for this team. They locked themselves into above average mediocrity for the foreseeable future, so that every offseason we’ll be subjected to media outlets debating whether or not they should break up Dame and CJ. For any other team, having this great of a backcourt would be something to be proud of, but the Blazers have done so poorly at using the rest of their resources that people assume they’ll have to dump one of their best players just to makeup for the garbage they have on the rest of the roster.
Probably my favorite part of this offseason was watching CJ McCollum get repeatedly owned online. He even got got by KD! Usually the only people who get owned by Durant online are 12 years old and that’s usually from a burner account. “I’M TRYING JENNIFER” will be the slogan of this team as soon as anything goes wrong. I can’t wait.
Portland is the home of the Unipiper, who plays flaming bagpipes while riding a unicycle. Someone launch this city into space.
A Blazer You May Have Forgotten: Wade Baldwin IV! That’s right. Memphis’ favorite first round draft bust is still here and looking semi-competent, which should be a huge indictment of the Grizzlies developmental staff.