The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The Indiana Pacers
2017-18 Record: 48-34. You thought you were going to be allowed to knock LeBron out of the playoffs before the Finals? How cute. Let me tell you, everyone knew as soon as that series went to a game seven that the Pacers had absolutely no chance. But LeBron isn’t here anymore, so now you can lose in seven to the Sixers! Yay!
Their Superstar: Victor Oladipo. We are one season removed from the Pacers being a laughingstock for accepting Oladipo as the centerpiece of their Paul George trade, but you’d never know it based on their outlook now. Now? Oladipo was a steal! The Thunder were the ones who got ripped off!
I mean, congrats to Oladipo for having a great season, but what are the odds that improvement doesn’t stick? Hey, there’s plenty of guys that have career years and then disappear back to obscurity. Imagine the panic that would ensue in Indiana if Oladipo turned back into his pre-Pacers form. You’ll be able to hear the sound of tweets being deleted on Saturn.
What’s New to Hate: Tyreke Evans, who is here to suck all the life out of the team’s second unit! Pacers fans, I certainly hope that you’re not expecting to get Memphis Tyreke. That was the best version of Tyreke that exists, and the odds of him finding that form for consecutive seasons are slim and none. And yet, the contract is signed, so you’re paying Memphis money for Kings Tyreke. His shooting numbers are definitely going down, plus there’s a definite risk that he is completely unable to stay healthy. You think any of that changes simply because he’s on another 1-year deal? Good luck with that.
Doug McDermott is here to appeal to “Greater Indiana” - Indiana is McDermott’s fifth team in five seasons, but the Pacers still opted to pay him $22 million over three years. There are plenty of players who would be bargains on that contract, and Doug McDermott is not one of them.
Kyle O’Quinn is here because no one informed him that Indiana has far fewer bar mitzvahs than New York City.
They also added a few rookies. Alize Johnson arrives to challenge Diamond Stone for the title of “name that sounds most like a stripper.” Aaron Holiday is here and will definitely not be as good as either of his brothers.
What We’ve Always Hated: WELCOME TO CORN LAND. For the most part, professional sports are one of the many places where it’s fun to root for the little guy, where small market teams are regularly public darlings against the Goliaths of the world.
Let me tell you that Indiana absolutely does not belong in that group of small market Davids.
Instead, this team serves as the poster child for annoying, self-aggrandizement. INDIANA IS BASKETBALL COUNTRY. To hear the way Pacers fans talk about basketball you’d think they’d invented the sport. They treat Larry Bird with even more reverence than Boston fans, and that’s saying something.
Pair this with the endless embracing of the awful film known as Hoosiers and you’re left with a truly insufferable franchise. They are Packers fans without the idiotic “shares of team stock” that are sold like snake oil to unsuspecting fans. Honestly, if the Pacers started some fan ownership program, I’d bet you’d have people lining up to throw money at them.
Also, let’s not forget that the Pacers are the main (if not the only) reason that we are forced to endure Reggie Miller spewing his particular brand of nonsensical commentary on NBA games. Someone please file the class action suit that saves us from this brand of auditory assault.
Congrats to Myles Turner, who has finally decided to stop eating 8 slices of pizza at a time. One day I wish to show this level of self-restraint (just kidding, I don’t).
A Pacer You May Have Forgotten: Corey Joseph! Let’s take a look back at the time Joseph was nutmegged by Russell Westbrook.