The countdown is on! With the NBA season days away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The New Orleans King Cake Babies
One of the NBA's New Orleans Pelicans mascots, King Cake Baby.— Chris Creamer (@sportslogosnet) November 16, 2016
The city of nightmares. pic.twitter.com/0pFWY2TFAW
2017-18 Record: 48-34. They got better after Boogie went down. Gee, what a coincidence! It’s almost as if playing Cousins and Davis together wasn’t really that good! It’s also worth reminding people that to get Cousins, the Pelicans gave up on Buddy Hield. Hield has since turned into a decent player in Sacramento, which is the equivalent of turning into a superstar on any other team. But, hey, the Pelicans beat the Blazers in the great POR-NO series of 2018, so no one will care.
Their Superstar: Unibrow man. It amazes me that in this day and age someone can take something as ridiculous as a unibrow and turn it into a marketing scheme. He even had an April Fool’s tweet where people actually thought he was shaving his eyebrow. If you fell for this, you should delete your account.
The people have spoken, time for a little change... pic.twitter.com/i5GiGdMei9— Anthony Davis (@AntDavis23) March 31, 2018
Anyway, unibrow aside, Davis is a certified superstar who, thanks to the mismanagement of the team, has consistently had to carry garbage rosters. Last year was the first season where half of the Pelicans roster wasn’t picked straight from The Walking Dead, and they’d better keep it up. Otherwise Davis will be seeking less injured pastures when the three years of his contract are up.
What’s New to Hate: Julius Randle . Lakers fans really loved Julius Randle, but it’s impossible to know if that means anything. Ever since Kobe retired, Lakers fans have been excited for every single player who looked like they might be even the slightest bit above average. These people still aren’t over trading DeAngelo Russell in spite of the fact that Russell sucks.
The Pelicans lost Rajon Rondo in free agency, so to replace him they brought in Elfrid Payton, who finally decided to stop impersonating The Weeknd and cut his hair. This seems like a great move, but now if he sucks, he won’t be able to blame the hair for blocking his shot. Look, I understand taking a gamble on a young point guard, but Payton couldn’t last in Orlando or Phoenix, who are both terrible. The Suns don’t even have a functional point guard and they still passed on bringing him back. If that’s not a red flag, I don’t know what is.
Jahlil Okafor! Yes, the Pelicans actually brought in one of the biggest busts of the past five years. Imagine if they are actually dumb enough to play him with Anthony Davis! I certainly hope this happens just for the outrage.
They brought in three rookies, none of which I have heard of. One of them went to Duke.
What We’ve Always Hated: New Orleans is one of the best food cities in the country. I could eat oysters and gumbo and ettouffee every day and wouldn’t even mind that I’d die within five years.
The basketball team, on the other hand, is the opposite of that. They play in an arena named for a smoothie chain which, based on the Pelicans’ injury history, must’ve been built on an Indian burial ground. They hired Alvin Gentry from Golden State thinking he’d somehow turn their offense into the Warriors. And, as mentioned above, they’ve completely failed to do anything competent outside of drafting Anthony Davis first overall. If you want any more evidence of their incompetence, look no further than the fact that their second best free agency move since drafting Davis was signing RAJON RONDO. Even Chris Wallace is amazed Dell Demps still has his job.
Also, their mascot is nightmare fuel. Their alternate mascot is even MORE nightmare fuel. I get that voodoo or hoodoo is big in Louisiana, but why would anyone want to attend a sporting event where they might be sucked into their own version of Chucky? Mascots should be stupid-looking and hilarious and cuddly. Even the Rockets, of all teams, managed to get this right. Can you please find something that looks less like Pennywise’s sidekick?
Their owner passed away this spring. Ownership of the team was passed on to his wife, but there’s a non-zero chance that Benson’s children, who were cut out of the ownership plans back in 2015, will turn this into another public squabble. I can’t wait. If there’s one thing America needs more of, it’s rich people fighting over billion-dollar sports franchises.
A Pelican You May Have Forgotten: Jarrett Jack, former Nets superstar. He played with Steph Curry a few years ago. Maybe some of that talent rubbed off on him!