The countdown is on! With the NBA season upon us, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The Oklahoma City Westbrooks (Thunder)
2017-18 Record: 48-34. Most of their season was spent arguing over how much Carmelo was hurting them. Then they got to the playoffs and proved just how much damage Melo had done.
Amazing how you take Carmelo out of that lineup and it’s able to run other teams off the floor.
Their Superstar: Fashion mogul and male underboob pioneer Russell Westbrook.
Russell Westbrook is currently out due to yet another knee surgery, which, for a guy whose ability is so reliant on athleticism, is kind of a big deal. Also, Westbrook is currently on a $233 million contract which has a player option for $47 million in 2022-23, when he will be 33 years old. GEE, WONDER IF HE’S GONNA PICK UP THAT OPTION.
Westbrook is one of the most polarizing players in the league. He’s explosive, flashy, and incredibly fun to watch. He also completely sucks the life out of the ball and has a penchant for playing hero ball. Westbrook is a career 31% three-point shooter, but you’d never know it from watching the Thunder in clutch time. Any time the Thunder need a big three-pointer, Westbrook is taking that, never mind that they have other players who are, you know, way better at it.
What’s New to Hate: My personal favorite signing of the Thunder offseason, though, is Nerlens Noel. Noel turned down a $70 million deal with the Mavericks, who thanked him by torpedoing every shred of credibility that he had. Left with basically no bargaining power, Noel took this deal as a way to rebuild his value by playing behind Steven Adams in what will certainly be limited playing time. My one hope this season is that Noel gets another hot dog at halftime and then does a live comparison of OKC vs Dallas hot dogs.
Nerlens Noel visited the media dining room at halftime to get a hot dog. pic.twitter.com/mKYrB63e1J— Tim MacMahon (@espn_macmahon) December 2, 2017
Welcome Russell Westbrook-lite Dennis Schroder. Schroder, who also tends to pound the ball into oblivion and play hero ball, is here to fill the role previously vacated by Reggie Jackson, because heaven knows the missing piece to the Thunder’s title hopes was some form of Reggie Jackson. Of course, this is all contingent on Schroder even being allowed to play considering he was arrested for felony battery in Atlanta. Don’t worry, though, I’m sure Schroder will make up for it with his play on the floor.
As Dennis Schroder and Dwight Howard argue, Steph Curry runs down and drills a three pic.twitter.com/kHiNM5Pav2— Sports Illustrated (@SInow) March 7, 2017
Great! This is going to be a disaster.
The Thunder also brought in Timothé Luwawu-Cabarrot, who I guess the Sixers have given up on because he didn’t follow team protocol of suffering a season-ending injury within his first year in the league.
What We’ve Always Hated: OKLAHOMA. CITY. CULTURE.
That’s right, folks. Paul George decided to resign for FOUR YEARS here, which is a big win for Applebee’s. Oklahoma City will forever tout their culture as some big asset in spite of the fact that they ran off a top-five NBA player and also let Carmelo Anthony spend an entire season fouling up their locker room. Great culture, folks!
The Thunder also are one of the worst team names in terms of overall branding. The team name is terrible, the color scheme is awful, and the jerseys belong in the dumpster. Just look at what Zach Lowe had to say about their branding:
Only the dearly departed Bobcats can best this team when it comes to failed branding, which is sad when you consider just how great those old Sonics jerseys look. What’s even worse is that the Thunder have one of the most fashion-conscious players in the NBA. Seriously, you couldn’t get Westbrook to take five seconds out of his schedule to help re-design these embarrassments? Even underboob jerseys would be better than these monstrosities.
Look, I know this team is probably going to improve because they no longer have Carmelo Anthony sucking the life out of their possessions, but Westbrook is coming off another surgery and is another year older. I’m guessing this team’s ceiling is squeaking into the second round.
A Thunder You May Have Forgotten: Andre Roberson. Roberson is like Tony Allen if Tony Allen couldn’t even manage to make the occasional layup. Also apparently he’s out for at least another two months, meaning the Thunder defense will SUUUUUUUUUCK outside of Paul George.