The countdown is on! With the NBA season upon us, GBB is getting you ready with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The Utah Jazz
2017-18 Record: 48-34. They managed to beat the OKC Thunder in their first round series, thanks mainly in part to the fact that the Thunder continued to trot out Carmelo Anthony. The one game where Donovan was smart enough to leave Melo on the bench, the Thunder erased a 25-point deficit.
Their Superstar: Donovan Mitchell. Man oh man oh man. Look, I know these things are my space to say mean things about players but I have like zero bad to say about this kid. He is actually the best. The worst thing I can say about him is that his Rookie of the Year campaign was kinda lame.
What’s New to Hate: YES! THEY DID IT! THEY ACTUALLY DID IT! As was foretold in the prophecy, the Utah Jazz drafted Grayson Allen. Allen, as everyone who doesn’t live under a rock knows, was the dirtiest player in college basketball. He spent his entire college career tripping his opponents, and then throwing tantrums when he got called for it. If you opened a dictionary to the word “entitled,” you’d find a picture of Grayson Allen. I bet he becomes a fan favorite in no time.
To the surprise of no one, Grayson Allen has already picked a fight with Trae Young. Over/under on number of scrums instigated by Allen is at 10.5. Give me the over.
Grayson Allen got into a scuffle with Trae Young in Summer League. pic.twitter.com/VWuoLisnRN— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) July 6, 2018
The rest of the team, outside of the rookies, returns from last season. Prepare yourself for everyone to scream themselves to death about CONTINUITY.
What We’ve Always Hated: I really enjoy watching the Jazz play. They’re well coached, they have a young superstar in Mitchell, and their defense is absolutely smothering. They’re like if you took the Grit and Grind Grizzlies and added an actual fun offensive player to it.
Unfortunately, the Jazz fan base is completely insufferable. They take offense at every single slight, even when said in jest. No wonder Rockets fans and Jazz fans hate each other so much. They’re each such experts in whining about how much the media hates them. It’s the ultimate version of “takes one to know one.”
The worst of this is that the NBA Twitterati enable these people. Every offseason someone declares that Utah is the actual team who will challenge Golden State for supremacy in the West, and every season this team suffers through a million injuries and bows out in the first or second round. Did anyone actually watch the Jazz’s second round matchup? They got run off the floor by the Rockets. If the Thunder had been smart enough to leave Melo at home, that series would’ve been 4-1 the other direction. This team is not an actual title contender, their second-half record be damned.
Having a team named the Jazz in Utah is like moving the Celtics to Phoenix.
A Jazz You May Have Forgotten: Jae Chowder. It just isn’t the same when he’s not playing in Massachusetts. Never forget that the Mavs had Jae Crowder and sent him to Boston as part of the package for Rajon Rondo, who ended up imploding that team.