The countdown is on! With the NBA season upon us, GBB is getting you ready with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The Toronto Raptors
CONGLATURATION, RAPTORS!— Schlasser (@UrinatingTree) May 8, 2018
YOU LOST TO LEBRON JAMES YET AGAIN!
YOU ARE OFFICIALLY THE BIGGEST PUNCHLINE IN THE NBA!
ASCEND, MY LOLCOWS, AND EMERGE AS THE LEAGUES FACEPLANTING MASCOT!
THE ROLLERBLADES ARE EXTRA GREASED UP FOR YOU THIS YEAR! pic.twitter.com/3M6NX8jHrh
2017-18 Record: 59-23. First in the East. And yet, how’d that work out for them?
I put the correct music behind LeBron's game-winner.— Shahbaz Khan (@ShahbazMKhan) May 6, 2018
I'm sorry, Raptors fans. It was God's Plan. pic.twitter.com/RkAD92Hm1z
That’s right! The Cavs, who needed seven games to beat every other opponent in the East, needed just 4 to beat the Raptors. It’s amazing how completely LeBron owns this team. Even in 2016 when the Cavs were goofing around and let the Raptors take 2 games off of them, no one really thought Toronto had a chance. This team steadily rolls through the regular season and then goes full deer-in-headlights when it comes to LeBron. But, hey, lucky for them LeBron is no longer in the East, so they’ll have to find a new player to completely kowtow to. I nominate Victor Oladipo.
Here’s Kawhi Leonard doing whatever the robotic equivalent of laughing is. pic.twitter.com/2ZzHM0B7nY— Faizal Khamisa (@SNFaizalKhamisa) September 24, 2018
That’s right! The Toronto Raptors are the new home of Mr. Robot himself, Kawhi Leonard. To do this, they had to ship out a player who had been fiercely loyal to the franchise and the BFF of the team’s All-Star point guard. I can’t wait for the San Antonio-Toronto game. I bet DeRozan goes for 60 (on 65 shots, I’m sure).
Still, when you can make a deal for a superstar, you’ve gotta do it. Even if said superstar never talks in public and spent last year with the most bizarre injury ever. Never mind that he might leave in free agency next summer or that his leg might fall off at any moment. YOU GOTTA MAKE THE TRADE.
What’s New to Hate: Since Dwayne Casey could never figure out how to coach in the playoffs—meaning that he couldn’t figure out how to get DeRozan to not suck—the Raptors brought in new coach Nick Nurse.
Luckily for Nurse, he now has Kawhi and won’t have to face LeBron in the playoffs, so he’s already more set up for success than Casey ever was. I hope Casey comes in with the Pistons and sweeps the Raptors out of the playoffs just for the sheer hilarity.
Also here via the Kawhi trade is Danny Green. Can someone please explain to me how the Raptors were able to get two actually good players for DeMar DeRozan and Jakob Poeltl? I’m convinced there’s no way the Spurs do this deal unless there is something critically wrong with Green. Just wait. By November we will have reports that Green has been diagnosed with vanishing hamstrings or something equally absurd.
Greg Moreland is here because Jonas Valenciunas is an actual dinosaur playing for a team named after dinosaurs. If you want the prototype of center that is no longer viable in today’s NBA, look no further than JV over here. He is enormous and cannot possibly guard anyone anywhere near the perimeter. Asking him to switch onto a guard is asking a garbage truck to do a figure eight.
What We’ve Always Hated: It’s incredible just how incompetent this franchise is when it comes to the playoffs. They’re like 2-13 in Game 1s. Two years ago they nearly lost in the second round to a Heat team that was playing Justise Winslow at center. The end of the regular season is a meteor to everything that this team does in the regular season.
And yet, when it comes to hating this franchise, even the fact that they are choking dogs pales in comparison to the fact that this is the franchise regularly enables Drake. (What’s even more amazing is that Drake, the most known frontrunner of all time, chooses to support a team that has no actual championship aspirations.) Drake is a deadbeat dad and an entitled piece of garbage whose music is only popular because of the beats. He once forced his way into the Miami Heat locker room by claiming to be media. He tried to fight Kendrick Perkins in spite of the fact that Perkins would have actually killed him in a fight. I hope one day he says the wrong word to Marcus Smart and Marcus Smart goes junkyard dog on him so we can see just how much of a coward Drake really is.
Go back to Degrassi, you clown.
We the North is so unbelievably corny that I’m forced to believe that Drake is the one who came up with it.