The countdown is on! With the NBA season underway, GBB is getting you ready with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
2017-18 Record: 65-17, the first seed in the West. How’d that home court advantage work out for ya?
YES. YES. OH, YES.
I love it when a team’s plan goes completely and absolutely wrong. I’m sure GM Math Boy could tell you exactly what the odds were that the Rockets would miss 27 threes in a row, but even someone as dumb as me could tell you it’s PRETTY DARN SMALL. But of course it would happen to the Rockets, and of course it would happen in a do-or-die moment. This team is the choking-est franchise in basketball. Remember Game 6 against the Spurs last season?
Only the Rockets could find a way to actually top that.
Their Superstar: League MVP James Harden, who finally got his way after whining about Russell Westbrook winning the award last year. By winning the award, Harden received a bonus from ADIDAS, lest anyone harbor any inane ideas that this wasn’t solely about money.
Unfortunately, the playoffs should disabuse anyone who believed that Harden was actually Houston’s most important player. I’ve seen this show before, folks. As soon as Chris Paul went out, Harden went back to vomiting all over himself at the most important moment of the season.
Watch this dude’s head whip back every single time he takes a shot, even while up double digits. JUST THE SHOOT THE BALL. I don’t understand how people can watch him play without being completely infuriated.
What’s New to Hate:
"I’m not sacrificing no bench role, out the question"— Ballislife.com (@Ballislife) April 30, 2018
- Carmelo Anthony pic.twitter.com/Dj7WvPeFM1
Yes, that’s right. In spite of the fact that everyone with an NBA blog spent all offseason talking about how much better the Thunder would be without Melo, the Rockets went out and signed member number three of the Banana Boat. Oh, sure, Carmelo Anthony’s agreed to come off the bench here, but let’s not act like that’s going to make him any less of a defensive liability, or that he won’t whine when he’s left on the bench in crunch time.
The Rockets were finally able to dump the albatross of the Ryan Anderson contract. In return they got Brandon Knight, who will remain dead until the Rockets get him onto Eric Gordon’s steroid regimen, and Marquese “de Sade” Chriss. Chriss jumps really high and is super athletic and is also complete butt. The Suns have whiffed on nearly every single draft pick they’ve had in the last decade, so trading for one of their players is probably a terrible idea.
Since the Rockets’ owner spent all his restaurant money buying the team, the Rockets let Trevor Ariza walk for a 1-year contract. To replace him, they brought in everyone’s favorite enigma, James Ennis. Just like we do every time Ennis joins a new team, people have acted excited about what he could do as a role player in the Rockets system. I’m sure that will last all of 10 games before D’Antoni does what every prior coach has done with Ennis: play him sporadically with no set role. I don’t know why everyone hates James Ennis, but I do know that no one ever wants to give him consistent playing time.
Also he should definitely not be allowed to dribble the ball anywhere near Kawhi Leonard.
As if the Rockets weren’t hateable enough, they also added Michael Carter-Williams, who no one likes and who is also a giant heap of dung.
What We’ve Always Hated: Let’s start with the actual team, which I cannot stand watching no matter how good they are. For one thing, the constant foul drawing slows the game to a crawl. And if you’ve ever been forced to watch the Rockets on League Pass, you know just how awful their play-by-play team is. All three Texas teams have awful, homer crews, and the Rockets manage to be the most unbearable of the unholy triumvirate. Quite the accomplishment!
And the fans just feed off that awfulness. If you’ve spent any time in Houston, you know just how insufferable their sports fans are. Any failure to talk about how great they are is perceived as some enormous slight. They’re the fourth major market in the US, and yet their fans act with the persecution complex of a small market team. I guess it makes sense, considering no one actually cares about their teams.
And let’s not forget the city of Houston itself! The city is a giant, foul-smelling sprawl of strip malls and concrete. It might be the ugliest city in America. True story: I once went to a restaurant in Houston, and the walls were decorated with pictures of interstate underpasses. This is what passes for art in what is a cultural wasteland. Also, the streets (which are about as well-maintained as those of Louisiana) flood and the traffic lights fail every time it rains for more than ten straight minutes. Chandler Parsons’ assessment of this city was spot on.
Also, here’s a fun story! The city of Houston got a Bean sculpture to try and copy Chicago. When someone from Chicago (rightfully) mocked them for copying, the first response was “Well, we’re going to pass you in total population!” Wow, what an intelligent response.
Even LeBron thinks Houston is a dump. He was never coming here and it’s hilarious that Rockets fans ever thought they were getting him.
A Rocket You May Have Forgotten: Nene is still here? I thought he had retired like five years ago.