The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: Los Angeles Microsofts
BREAKING: The sale of the Clippers to former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer "may" cause them to change their logo: pic.twitter.com/waiK0PgDjS— SportsNation (@SportsNation) August 12, 2014
Yes, I’m twelve, because this will never not be funny to me.
2017-18 Record: Lob City is dead. Last offseason they were forced to trade Chris Paul because he’d finally grown sick of Doc Rivers’ nepotism. Then they handed Blake Griffin a 5-year max contract worth $175 million, only to ship him off to Siberia at the first chance they got. Clippers fans should thank their lucky stars that Stan Van Gundy was allowed to run the Pistons into the ground. Also DeAndre Jordan finally decided that maybe this wasn’t the right place for him.
Their Superstar: BOBAN!
Just kidding. It’s probably Danilo Gallinari or Milos Teodosic, but those players will combine for 50 games played after Gallo gets into a fight playing Euroball and Milos takes a month-long smoke break and also pulls a hamstring.
Boban, on the other hand, is a true star. He already has his own show. He’s going to be in John Wick 3. He is a giant human being and is already the most likable Clipper of the past decade.
What’s New to Hate: Marcin Gortat, the Polish Hammer, is here because John Wall hated him. The entire time Wall was out with injury last season, Gortat was soliloquizing to the local media about how well the ball moved without their starting point guard. Everybody eats! If there’s any bright side to this, it’s that the Clippers don’t have a dominant star for Gortat to alienate. Now the Clippers just have to hope that Gortat doesn’t fall off a cliff now since he’ll turn 35 this season.
Luc Mbah a Moute has returned to the Clippers after spending a season in Houston, either because he hated being in Houston (understandable) or because he hated playing with Chris Paul (also understandable) or maybe because he likes playing for Doc Rivers (less understandable). Mbah a Moute is now 32 and probably ripe to fall off a cliff. He and Gortat can even go over the edge together. How romantic!
The Clippers drafted Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, and also added two rookies out of Seton Hall because I guess Seton Hall had a good season. Seems like a good reason to add players! I will not pretend to know anything about SGA except the fact that he went to Kentucky and Kentucky sucked last year.
What We’ve Always Hated: Honestly, I’m going to miss Flop City. The Grizzlies and Clippers gave us plenty of classic battles, but it isn’t the same without Paul and Blake and DeAndre facing off against Z-Bo and Tony and Marc. I think I speak for every Grizzlies fan when I say these plays will always hold a special place in my heart:
Best outcome based on the first half performance is TA does this in the second half to CP3. pic.twitter.com/yKBb00F6ue— Ryan Glover (@G_Love24) March 10, 2017
Fondest moment against the Clippers?— 3 Shades of Blue (@3Shadesofblue) November 16, 2016
For me it's when ZBo did push-ups on top of Blake
What's yours? pic.twitter.com/resfOxfIfB
Reminiscing - this has gotta be my favorite game in Grizz history. ZBO/Griffin choke, CP ejected, a series closeout, and then this. Classic. pic.twitter.com/lqhXWl66B4— Made in Memphis (@MadeinMemphis1) January 3, 2017
Of course, there’s still one person still here to hate.
That’s right! The Clippers are still clinging to the hope that Doc Rivers can find some shred of his Celtics days and transform this roster into something that looks semi-competent. Based on the fact that it took the Clippers ownership this long to figure out that Doc Rivers was an incompetent GM, I’m guessing he’ll be coaching here until 2030, when the Clippers will still be seeking their first Finals berth. Seriously, they waited a full year after he handed out $35 million to his son before revoking those powers. Is anyone in the Clippers organization actually alive?
It’s here that I would like to remind everyone that no one in LA actually cares about the Clippers. They are the little brother organization to the Lakers, and nothing will ever change that. They’ve been the better team for this decade and they’re still second banana. Once this team slips into full rebuilding mode, their fans will all victims of Thanos. MR. BALLMER, I DON’T FEEL SO GOOD.
They fired Bruce Bowen because they didn’t want anyone related to the team to be critical of Kawhi. They’re also the most competent team on Jimmy Butler’s trade wish list, which sounds good until you realize the other two teams are the Nets and the Knicks.
A Clipper You May Have Forgotten: I’m just going to take this opportunity to remind you again about Bobbi and Tobi. This will be the only thing involving Clippers players that will be worth watching, especially after Milos and Gallo end up sidelined.