The countdown is on! With the NBA season underway, GBB is getting you ready with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The Boston Celtics
2017-18 Record: 55-27. Like every non-Raptors team in the East, they took the Cavs to seven games before LeBron beat them in one of the most unwatchable non-Grizz games of all time. I know everyone in Boston was fired up over the thought of reliving the 2010 glory days, but we all know the NBA wasn’t about to let the Cavs not be in the Finals.
BUT, as Celtics fans will happily remind you, this doesn’t really count because Kyrie Irving and Gordon Hayward were injured and so next year they’re going to be UNSTOPPABLE. Never mind that the Raptors added Kawhi Leonard and Markelle Fultz appears to not have a phantom shoulder injury any more. CELTICS A LOCK FOR THE NBA FINALS.
Their Superstar: This team has Kyrie Irving and the always underrated Al Horford, but their superstar is absolutely Gordon Hayward because this is Boston and Hayward will definitely be the fan favorite because he is...well, he’s white.
If you recall, the last time we saw Hayward on the court, his foot was on the verge of separating itself from the rest of his leg. If that injury had happened to me, I would never jump ever again. That was the most horrifying injury I’ve ever seen that didn’t involve a bone sticking out of a leg. I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s gonna take a little time for Mr. Fortnite to get his legs back under him (pun intended).
Never forget that in college Gordon Hayward looked like a big nerd.
Gordon Hayward wants to leave the Jazz & play for his old college coach that's fine, but he has to go back to his old haircut. pic.twitter.com/GCvjtHoUWY— Andrew Hobbs (@HobbsPresents) July 5, 2017
What’s New to Hate: Since the Celtics’ main players ended last season basically dead, they spent the offseason just adding players via the draft. My personal favorite is Robert Williams, who first missed his phone interview because he overslept after a wild party at Buffalo Wild Wings, then missed a flight to practice with the team. Both of these are understandable, considering Williams went to Texas A&M, where I’m sure BWW is considered fine dining.
They brought in PJ Dozier from Oklahoma City. I assume he is terrible because I still have PJ PTSD from the time the Grizzlies traded for PJ Hairston.
Oh, they also re-signed Marcus Smart, who actually missed games last season because he reportedly got into a fight with a picture in his hotel room. Was the picture giving him dirty looks? Who knows!
What We’ve Always Hated: I’ve already touched on one of the fanbase’s finer points with regard to Gordon Hayward, but there’s plenty more to say about Celtics fans. We talk a lot about Lakers exceptionalism, but Boston exceptionalism is a completely different animal that’s somehow actually worse! This city has sat and watched the Red Sox and the Patriots win and win and win so much that they assume they are entitled to win in every sport in spite of the fact that the Celtics are tied with the Mavericks and the Cavaliers for number of titles they’ve won since 1990. Say what you want about the Lakers, at least they’ve won more than one measly title. Don’t worry, though, Bill Simmons and his band of merry idiots will make sure we relieve the 2008 Celtics in all their dysfunctional glory for eternity.
Speaking of Bill Simmons, let’s read some of his awful made up chants:
I’m in Boston and the sun is shining and the entire city is preparing to battle LeBron.— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) May 23, 2018
Possible chants for tonight’s game...
“You’re a ba-by”
“Please stop cry-ing”
“You’re not M-J”
“You will leave. You will leave.”
(Crap - you’re right, he’s a machine, none of this will work)
Also, here’s some sexism:
Please get this man outta here.
I don’t buy Kyrie’s apology for a second. He definitely still believes the earth is flat. I want to put actual money on Marcus Smart dismembering JR Smith during the middle of a game.
A Celtic You May Have Forgotten: Guerschon Yabusele, aka Dabusele.
Guerschon Yabusele with the putback basket ... pic.twitter.com/76M7iMpsYY— A. Sherrod Blakely (@ASherrodblakely) January 6, 2018