The countdown is on! With the NBA season under way, GBB is getting you ready with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The Team Formerly Known as the LeBrons
Imagine being LeBron and pouring every ounce of your energy into this game only to watch Pipe Master over here waste it with the most idiotic move of the century. We all knew J.R. was washed after 2016, but the Cavs continued to pay him and this is what they get for it.
Oh well. At least we got a great meme out of it.
Their Superstar: With Lebron James now gone, the Cavaliers are finally free to build their franchise around a true superstar. That’s right, folks; the Cavs threw a four-year, $120 million extension at Mr. Kevin Love, who is 30 years old, constantly injured, and hasn’t been the lead player on a team since he was traded to Cleveland.
And just how well did those Love-centered Wolves teams do? Oh, that’s right! They made the playoffs exactly zero times! So the Cavs have now locked themselves into an aging player who ‘s never really been that great of a star in the first place. Great job, Dan Gilbert! Have fun putting everything you can just for an outside shot at the eighth seed in the East. Even the Hornets are marveling at this level of stupidity.
What’s New to Hate: Welcome first round draft pick Collin Sexton.
OH YEAH. LOOK AT THAT ENERGY! GONNA PLAY SOME TOUGH DEFENSE!
Look, I know people like this kid because they think he plays hard, but that’s only going to get you so far. Plus, he’s a rookie point guard on a team whose best player is Kevin Love. He’s going to be a disaster. Sure, he saved Alabama during the second half of their first tournament game, but that’s only because he spent the first half throwing the ball into the stands. He’s the reason they were losing in the first place.
David Nwaba is here. Nwaba has spent the first two years of his career bouncing from the Lakers to the Bulls and now to Cleveland. He’s been terrible on two terrible teams, so I doubt putting him on ANOTHER terrible team is going to drastically change his career trajectory.
I wasn’t even aware of this until five seconds ago, but Sam Dekker was apparently traded to this team in exchange for the draft rights to Vladimir Veremeenko, who might not even be a real person. Dekker is definitely total butt and will fit right in with the rest of this roster.
Hey, look who it is! Former Hustle star and winner of last season’s Most Overhyped Young Grizz Player Award, Kobi Simmons. This will be a great learning situation for the young point guard. He can learn how not to manage his contractual situation from George Hill, and how to suck at basketball from Jordan Clarkson. Cleveland: Home of What Not to Do.
What We’ve Always Hated: Welp. We all knew this day was coming. LeBron is gone, and now the Cavs are left with nothing but the riff raff that was dragged to the Finals last season. It is now Kevin Love, the remains of JR Smith (which will soon be destroyed by Marcus Smart), and a bag full of NBA flotsam. Look at this roster and tell how they are going to run any form of competent offense. We are going to find out exactly how incompetent Ty Lose is now. No more LeBron to carry your sorry coaching! We’ve always known he’s a fraud. Now we’re going to get proof.
Speaking of incompetence, their owner is also a complete clown. He cried when LeBron left him the first time. This time, there were rumors that Gilbert was actually glad LeBron was leaving so he could “get his team back.” This should surprise no one. Gilbert only cares about himself and his money. He fired a perfectly competent GM simply to save a couple million bucks. I’d bet he’s glad LeBron is gone just because he didn’t want to pay him any more.
It’s also worth a few moments to look at the players who are still left over from the LeBron Era II. Kyle Korver is 40 years old and being paid $7.5 million. JR Smith peaked in the 2016 Finals and will soon have his spine forcibly removed by Marcus Smart in some Mortal Kombat-esque finishing move midgame. Jordan Clarkson sucks. Larry Nance, Jr. only does cool dunks and nothing else (and is now also overpaid!). Tristan Thompson can’t remember who his fiancee is, much less what basketball play he’s supposed to be running. George Hill turned down a fair contract in Utah and then whined his way out of Sacramento into what is now going to be a situation that’s just as terrible.
A Cav You May Have Forgotten: Rodney Hood! Hood was so terrible last year that, in spite of being on a team playing in the Finals, he was forced to take his qualifying offer. He refused to check into a game last year. I bet even Dave Joerger thinks he sucks now.