The countdown is on! With the NBA season officially under way, GBB is getting you ready with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The Golden State Insufferables
2017-18 Record: NBA Champions for the third time in four years. Of course, we all know if Chris Paul doesn’t go out in the Western Conference Finals, this team is at home watching the Rockets roll through Cleveland in their stead. But, no, Chris Paul’s aging body betrayed him, and then James Harden did what he always does and took a giant dump on games 6 and 7. Congrats on taking advantage of the other team’s injuries, I guess.
Hey, they might not have even won the Finals if J.R. Smith’s idiocy hadn’t caused LeBron to try to chop a whiteboard in half.
Their Superstar: Steph “Bad Ankles” Curry. Never forget that one of the biggest reasons that the 73-win Warriors were able to add Kevin Durant in free agency was because Curry’s bad ankles and injury history all but forced him to take a below market contract. Amazing to think that every NBA fan would be better off if Steph Curry had actually been healthier.
For some inane reason, people like Steph Curry for reasons that are, to put it nicely, completely bogus. He’s not some self-made star. His dad played in the NBA! He had a SHOOTING COACH, for crying out loud. He’s also not at all the humble person certain people (like my mom) make him out to be. He’s a worse showboater than Cam Newton. He throws his mouth piece at referees. He’s a whiny little brat. And yet people act like he’s some perfect choir boy. Give me a break. The only thing keeping him from being truly insufferable is the fact that with KD and Draymond, he’s the third worst person on his own team.
Steph gets tossed in the final minute of the game after throwing his mouth piece in the direction of the ref pic.twitter.com/2Y4cRjnoVp— Warriors on NBCS (@NBCSWarriors) October 22, 2017
What’s New to Hate: Welcome DeMarcus Cousins. No one is going to say that Boogie isn’t a great offensive player, but he’s roughly 270 pounds and coming off an Achilles injury. This is like adding Carmelo Anthony only Melo is coming off a possible career-ending injury. This signing will either work out spectacularly or blow up in the Warriors’ faces. There’s absolutely no in between on this.
The only other player of any consequence that the Warriors added is Jonas Jerebko, who averaged 6 points a game for the Jazz last year. I’m sure he’ll be infuriatingly good here for no reason.
What We’ve Always Hated: You know, I wonder how much differently we would feel about the Warriors if Kevin Durant hadn’t been a cupcake and had stayed in OKC. Sure, we’d hate them like we hate every dynasty in sports, but would it be the same level? I doubt it.
Instead, KD had to join this team and make Draymond Green the second least likable person on it. Draymond Green is one of the most hatable players in the league. He’s a mouth breather whose obscenity levels would have earned almost any other player at least a 20-game suspension. If that wasn’t enough, he’s also constantly kicking opposing players in the nards. If you polled NBA Twitter, I bet 99% of respondents would have Draymond on their top 5 most punchable list.
Saturday night, Draymond Green added another kick to his reel in the last six months. pic.twitter.com/iEetk0yJKW— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) December 5, 2016
The fact that KD is even in the same stratosphere as Draymond is incredible. He’s one of the best NBA scorers of all time. Yet Twitter Fingers over here can’t go more than a month without getting mad online at some random teenager. Dude, LOG OFF. All you’re doing is making yourself less likable. I’ve never seen a player with thinner skin than this clown. He’s constantly talking about how he doesn’t care about the criticism, that he only cares about his own happiness, and NO ONE IS BUYING IT. He’s so obviously lying. I can’t wait for him to join the Lakers next off-season.
Also, let’s not forget about the Warriors ownership. This team has one of the most loyal fan bases in the NBA in Oakland. But the moment they sniffed success, the butthole owner decided to take advantage and move the team to Silicon Valley so that he could charge $1 million for season tickets. Imagine if the Grizzlies built a dynasty just to have the team moved to Nashville. This might actually be worse.
A Warrior You May Have Forgotten: Jordan Bell. Never forget that the Warriors got Jordan Bell because the Bulls are dumb.