The countdown is on! With the NBA season under way, GBB is getting you ready with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The Normal Collars
2017-18 Record: 52-30. They finally delivered on everything that Sam Hinkie built, making the playoffs and eliminating the Heat before being escorted out themselves by Super Genius Brad Stevens. But none of that matters. You know why?
THAT IS A NORMAL COLLAR. FIND A NEW SLANT.
It turns out that Kevin Durant isn’t the only one using burner accounts to start petty fights on Twitter. Brian Colangelo (or his wife, depending on who you believe) was fired after being linked to multiple accounts with confidential information.
This is all hilarious and seems about par for the course for sports, and especially for sports in Philadelphia.
Their Superstar: Joel Embiid. I hope that Philly fans are enjoying Embiid in his role as darling of the NBA, because that’s gonna get old REAL QUICK. Sure, everyone’s loving The Process for now, but I give them two seasons max before everyone turns on this team and starts calling them preening divas. This team will be the target of more schadenfreude than even the Warriors.
Also, let’s not forget this moment:
1. Westbrook stares down Embiid as game ends pic.twitter.com/u6fZa2xnJI— KD did nothing wrong™️ (@juustaburner) June 18, 2018
This is going to be the majority of NBA fans in the very near future.
What’s New to Hate: Mike Muscala, who is here solely to replace Marco Belinelli’s neck beard. The Sixers need at least one player with a neck beard on the roster at all times.
Thanks to the Nuggets’ luxury tax purge, the Sixers acquired Wilson Chandler. Chandler, who looks like a DeAndre Jordan with shorter hair and neck tattoos. is here to play the Jahlil Okafor role of big man who everyone hates. The Nuggets have no defensive big men outside of Paul Millsap, who’s old and will probably be injured half the season, so it should tell you something that they’re more willing to overpay Mason Plumlee than keep Chandler on the roster.
Speaking of Okafors, Emeka Okafor is here! Okafor spent three years out of the NBA with a neck injury, then played with the Delaware 87ers before returning to the NBA to fill in for the injured Boogie Cousins. This is a great redemption story which I am absolutely certain will be derailed by Sixers fans with Okafor PTSD.
Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but a Sixers rookie has an injury! Zhaire Smith broke his foot during an NBA developmental camp in Vegas. I can’t decide if this is freakish bad luck, the weirdest hazing ritual in the league, or an organizational ploy to continue to get their players Rookie of the Year awards.
What We’ve Always Hated: I’ve already mentioned before how Joel Embiid’s act is going to get old pretty soon, but that’s already happened for Process Truthers. These people will not shut up about Sam Hinkie dying for their sins, or how this is some huge moral victory for tanking. Sure, you can say tanking worked for this team as long as Embiid’s foot remains attached to his body, which is anything but a given. But look at all the other corpses scattered along the highway. The Suns have been tanking for half a decade, and all they’ve got to show for it is Devin Booker and an assortment of trash bigs. They’ve resorted to acquiring Trevor Ariza and Ryan Anderson just to try to squeak into the last playoff spot! Yay for tanking!
Tanking aside, the fact is that when any Philadelphia team is good, America loses. You saw what happened when the Eagles won the Super Bowl last year. The city turned into a scene from The Purge. People were actually eating horse poop. I swear, these are the worst fans in American sports, and that’s saying something! They boo Santa; they cheer player injuries; they give the double bird to Russell Westbrook. Sixers fans are Cheez Whiz in human form. Ben Franklin rolls over in his grave every time a Philly fan calls into WIP. Philly fans are the worst.
Also, Ben Simmons is a coward. SHOOT A THREE, COWARD.
A Sixer You May Have Forgotten: JJ Redick is back. He will be loved by this fanbase for exactly the reasons you think.