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Grizz Fan’s Hater’s Guide to: The Washington Wizards

The Wizards took their dysfunctional locker room and added Dwight Howard! Brilliant!

The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.

As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.


Team: Washington Wizards

2017-18 Record: 43-39

Looks like they’re set for a turnaround!

Their Superstar: John Walk (Wall)!

Wall spent a good chunk of last season sidelined with an injury. Most of the time, teams missing their superstar will talk about how much they miss said star, and how they’ll play much better when they return.

Did the Wizards do that? Of course they didn’t! The Wizards actually got hot with Wall sidelined, then subtweeted Wall in every single postgame interview. “Everybody eats!” “We’re moving the ball!” Marcin Gortat did everything but call John Wall a ball hog to his face. Which is probably why they shipped him off to LA in exchange for…

What’s New to Hate: Austin Rivers! That’s right, folks. The Wizards were so eager to get rid of Gortat that they willingly took on the contract of Mr. Nepotism himself. Austin Rivers may actually be a functional NBA player, but he’s probably overpaid, and also is a pain in the locker room. Even Dirk finds Rivers annoying. Do you know how annoying you have to be to get on Dirk’s bad side? The man spent years playing with Jason Terry, for crying out loud. His boss is Mark Cuban. His threshold for annoyance is incredibly high.

To be the cherry on the dysfunctional sundae that is the Wizards locker room, the Wizards brought in Dwight Howard. But don’t worry, folks! Dwight is actually going to turn himself around this time! I know he’s said this exact same phrase every year for the past decade, but this time he means it. Eighth time’s a charm!

Just look at this quote. Does that sound like a player who’s learned his lesson? Nope!

I don’t know how you can even justify this signing if you’re the Wizards. Every single locker room that Dwight has occupied since Orlando has complained about him as soon as he was out the door. In Houston, they didn’t even wait that long. He and Harden were trying to snipe each other during the season. The Hornets got actual production out of Dwight and they still wanted nothing to do with him this season.

The Wizards also finally brought in Georgetown alum Jeff Green. I guess locker room dysfunction wasn’t enough. They also wanted to get rid of basketball IQ, too!

What We’ve Always Hated: You would think that with stars like John Wall and Bradley Beal, and a couple of young talented players like Kelly Oubre Jr. and Otto Porter, the Wizards would actually be a fun team to watch. But of course they aren’t! In fact, they’re one of the most unwatchable teams in the league.

Honestly, Gortat was right. The only time the Wizards are good is when Satoransky is running the offense and people ACTUALLY PASS instead of standing around watching John Walk bring the ball up at the rate of a tortoise with a bad leg.

The fact is that the Wizards function about as well as everything else in their hometown. The Capitals are the only “big four” Washington franchise to win a championship in the past almost three decades, proving that to win in this town you need a Russian in your corner (HEYO!).

Also, Mike Wilbon said Lebron should come to the Wizards to be like Jeff Bezos. Mike Wilbon still thinks the year is 1950 and that analytics are ruining sports. EVERYONE OFF OF WILBON’S LAWN.

A Wizard You May Have Forgotten: Jodie Meeks! Meeks, who signed to a two-year deal, was terrible for the Wizards. He then demanded a trade, and, when he didn’t get it, was promptly busted for PEDs right before the start of the playoffs.

Ya know, now that I think of it, maybe Dwight will actually improve the culture here.

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