The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: Milwaukee Bucks
Yeah, I’m sure that was the problem.
2017-18 Record: 44-38. Of course, the best part of the 2017-18 season for the Bucks was that they finally wised up and canned Jason Kidd. The amazing thing is that it took them this long to figure out that Kidd isn’t a good coach. Seriously? You have a potential MVP candidate and you can’t sniff home court advantage in the playoffs? GEE, I WONDER WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
This is still Jason Kidd’s best coaching move.
Jason Kidd says "hit me" to his player and then spills his drink on the court, 2013 pic.twitter.com/j5dTifTIM7— Athletes In HS (@AthIetesInHS) January 24, 2018
Naturally, on his way out the door, Kidd tried to save face with a fierce PR campaign that included ripping everyone in the organization. Don’t worry, though, folks! I’m sure some dope will hire him again in no time.
Their Superstar: Giannis Antetokounmpo, whose last name is so long it nearly doesn’t fit on his jersey.
Everyone loves Giannis because he’s funny and puts up good numbers, but the truth is that his arms are so lanky that anything he does looks actually inordinately impressive. If you replaced Giannis with any normal-armed person, half of his plays would look ordinary. (This rule does not apply to the play where he jumped over Tim Hardaway Jr.)
What’s even more amazing is the fact that Giannis isn’t actually that long! His wingspan is barely an inch longer than his height. That’s practically ordinary! Giannis is a phony and he’ll leave for a major market as soon as his contract is up because the Bucks have done nothing to put any help around him.
What’s New to Hate: Speaking of which, the Bucks let Jabari Parker go to the Bulls because they didn’t want to pay a guy with a history of knee injuries $20 million a year. That’s probably not a terrible idea. But let’s take a look at what they replaced him with.
Welcome Brook Lopez, who has not been on a playoff-relevant team since 2015, when the Nets had not yet turned into the black hole of talent that they’ve been for the past few years. Does Brook Lopez even remember how to win games? When the Bucks start making their playoff push, Lopez is going to be confused. “I thought I was supposed to throw the ball out of bounds. What do you mean we’re trying?”
Also here is former Blazer Pat Connaughton, because I guess having Matthew Dellavedova wasn’t enough “grittiness” for these fans. Connaughton is best known for playing for Notre Dame, where he probably could have served simultaneously as the mascot. I don’t know why you would want to throw money at Blazers castoffs. Have you looked at that payroll? Look at the money they’re paying to people who suck! How much do you have to suck for Paul Allen to say no to paying you?
Also Donte DiVincenzo is here. Let’s take a look at Donte’s old tweets.
Bro delete your old tweets @DonteDivincenzo pic.twitter.com/LwCJ0wciEa— College Town™ (@CollegeT0wn) April 3, 2018
Cool! I’m sure he’ll fit right in here.
What We’ve Always Hated: Congrats to Bucks fan, who are the latest victims of billionaire ownership holding their team hostage in order to get a new stadium built. Good job! Enjoy Giannis while you can, because once this contract is up, he’s definitely bolting for a team with a competent front office.
And you know what? It sucks, but that’s what they deserve. They’ve spent the last several offseasons throwing money at the likes of Matthew Dellavedova and Ersan Ilyasova and John “Don’t Call Me Jim” Henson. They lucked into Eric Bledsoe. They actually GAVE UP ASSETS to get Jason Kidd and then let him run amok for three-and-a-half seasons. Wasting Giannis like this is malpractice.
Wisconsin is a state responsible for garbage beer. They ship out a bunch of cheese and somehow believe this makes them the France of the midwest. I would rather live in Cleveland.
A Buck You May Have Forgotten: Tony Snell! Two seasons ago, Tony Snell posted a stat line of 0 points, 0 rebounds, 0 assists on 0-2 shooting with one foul in 28 minutes. So close to a 28 trillion. This is some next level terribleness.