The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The Miami Dwyane Wades
2017-18 Record: 44-38. They got waxed by the Sixers. Also, WHITESIDE!
Dragic is clearly frustrated with Whiteside at the end of this. pic.twitter.com/PG7oELGHHo— Wes Goldberg (@wcgoldberg) April 21, 2018
Their Superstar: FINALLY. Butt connoisseur Dwyane Wade is retiring. No longer will sportswriters be held hostage by autocorrect correcting them every time they type in his dyslexic name. There are plenty of ways you can spell Dwayne, and Dwyane isn’t one of them.
Also, let’s get this out of the way: Dwyane Wade will forever be overrated. He was handed one title because he went to the line every time a Maverick so much as breathed on him, and the other two he needed peak LeBron James and Chris Bosh. Outside of the Finals season and one season where they reached the Conference Finals, do you know how far solo Dwyane Wade carried the Heat? Three first round exits, one second round exit, and a year where they didn’t even make the playoffs.
The last three seasons he’s done nothing but chase paychecks. He went to Chicago because he got his feelings hurt and then forced his way out when he and Rajon Rondo decided to get into a pissing match.
Enjoy your farewell tour. DWY-ane. Good riddance.
What’s New to Hate: Absolutely nothing! That’s right, folks. The brilliant minds running the Heat looked and this roster and somehow decided that this was good enough. Can someone make sure that mob boss Pat Riley hasn’t died? Holding steady with this roster is like watching the Hindenburg go down in flames and saying, “Yeah, that’ll do just fine.”
What We’ve Always Hated: I swear if I have to hear another word about Miami and the HEAT CULTURE I’m going to lose it. Every year we’re subjected to constant references to the Heat and how their players are only 2% body fat and subsist on a diet of kale and grilled chicken. Can you imagine being paid millions of dollars to be a professional athlete and then being told you can’t even enjoy a good meal? Sounds miserable.
And you know what? For all their talk about healthy eating, it won’t matter. They have one of the NBA’s best coaches, and even he’s probably already maxed out what can be done with this roster. But hey, that’s what happens when you pay a bunch of money to knuckleheads. Hassan Whiteside is on a max contract and is unplayable half the time. Dion
Weighters Waiters took his four-year deal and spent it on Big Macs. I don’t know why you’d expect anything more out of these players. Do you really think you could hand Waiters Island a four-year contract and expect him to stay in basketball shape? Again, someone check on Pat Riley.
Anyway, this team is a joke. They’ll manage to land in the middle of the playoff race because the East is terrible, get bounced in the first or second round, and then head into the offseason with nothing real to look forward to. In that way, it will be similar to every other non-Lebron Dwyane Wade season.
A Heat You May Have Forgotten: Hey, remember Kelly Olynyk? Well, he’s here just in case the Heat need to win a Game 7 against the Wizards, and also because he’s somehow a better center than Whiteside.