The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: Denver Nuggets
Never forget Rocky the Nuggets mascot did this once and nearly died pic.twitter.com/S4WTwvfaRK— Peter Burns (@PeterBurnsESPN) February 6, 2017
2017-18 Record: Amazing, after all of the NBA twitter loving on this team, they still missed the playoffs! Minnesota didn’t even have Jimmy Butler for half the season, and yet the Nuggets couldn’t take advantage. Amazing that having a great offensive center who is a turnstile on defense doesn’t suddenly vault you into the top four in the West.
Their Superstar: Yes, it’s Nikola Jokic. Let’s take a look at Nikola Jokic attempting to play defense.
Jokic on defense thread- Gives up too easy on this play. pic.twitter.com/TfRYK9V9Qq— AQ (@Abdiqalis) October 19, 2017
Jokic is such a great offensive talent. He can shoot! He passes great out of the post! And yet none of that is enjoyable because NBA Twitter slobbers all over him every single chance they get.
What’s New to Hate: New jerseys! It’s all of the Cavs ugliness without getting to blame the fact that your team is located in Cleveland.
Speaking of the Cavs, the Nuggets decided to bring in one Isaiah Thomas. Congratulations! You’ve lucked into a miniature point guard with a bad hip and an attitude so bad that he single-handedly imploded the Cavs locker room. I can’t wait for the first bit of adversity strikes this team so that we can watch Thomas leak to Woj that Paul Millsap was calling Jokic soft in the locker room.
With the 12th pick in the NBA draft, the Nuggets also added Michael Porter Jr., who has already had to undergo another procedure on his back. Don’t worry, though. His team is incredibly confident that THIS surgery is the one that will actually fix everything. Yeah, sure! Why not! You know what they say: The second back surgery’s a charm! Is anyone stupid enough to buy this? Porter will be injured for the entirety of this season, he’ll look terrible in five games next year, and then he’ll be out of the league. Don’t fool yourself into thinking the player we saw in high school somehow still exits and is just waiting to be uncovered.
What We’ve Always Hated: In spite of Earl Boykins saying LeBron James was definitely going to look at the Nuggets last summer, the fact is that the Nuggets haven’t actually been relevant since Carmelo Anthony forced his way to the Knicks.
Don’t let the NBA nerds fool you, either. Sure, this team has a bunch of semi-young players, but their one true point guard is 5’6” with a bad attitude; their star player can’t defend; the defensive star they signed in free agency last year is old and spent half of last season injured. This team will be a sexy pick to get home court advantage and will spend most of the spring fighting just to stay in contention. Book it. This is a team of losers.
Speaking of losers, let’s talk about ownership! The Nuggets are owned by the heiress to the Wal-Mart fortune. You’d think with all that money they’d be just fine spending a season or two in the luxury tax. OF COURSE NOT! No, rather than eat a few million dollars out of their future billions, the Nuggets spent the offseason using assets in order to rollback their tax bill. Keep the team competitive for years to come, or save enough money to buy another yacht? TOUGH CHOICE. Shocking that the people who run America’s low price superstore are a bunch of cheapskates.
They shipped off Nurkic for a Plumlee and then handed Plumlee a blank check. If I didn’t know better I’d think Coach K was running this team.
A Nugget You May Have Forgotten: Trey Lyles, whose favorite emoji is the laughing with tears emoji. Strong choice.
Asked a bunch of NBA Draft prospects what their favorite emojis are. Here is a sampling: pic.twitter.com/TFtPq4fZSP— Abe Schwadron (@abe_squad) June 25, 2015