The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Thibs is so close he can taste it pic.twitter.com/uhCsL5GF5N— Fastbreak Breakfast (@fastbreakbreak) September 10, 2018
2017-18 Record: 47-35, resulting in their first playoff berth since 2003-04. They were, of course, promptly dispatched by the Rockets. But they won a game, which is actually better than Portland managed. I’d congratulate you, but I’m not sure outperforming the Blazers qualifies as noteworthy!
Their Superstar: Not Jimmy Butler. Yes, Jimmy Butler carried this team to the playoffs for the first time in 14 years, but the Wolves have decided they would rather keep Not Jimmy Butler moving forward, forcing actual Jimmy Butler to demand a trade. Congratulations, Timberwolves fans. Enjoy watching Not Jimmy Butler carry your team to the Western Conference 10 seed for the next five years, or until Thibs manages to completely wear him out!
What’s New to Hate: Luol Deng! Yes, of course he’s here. As soon as the Lakers completed the Deng buyout, everyone knew exactly where he was heading. Deng played a grand total of 13 minutes last season on a bad Lakers team, which just means that Thibs will consider him well-rested. Never mind that Deng is 33 years old and has 100,000 miles on him from the time he previously spent with Thibs. I can’t wait for Joakim Noah’s buyout to be completed so Thibs can collect the final Pokémon for his set. I hope you’re prepared to watch the corpse of Noah close out games next to Towns at the power forward position.
Their only other addition was Josh Okogie out of the Georgia Institute of Technology. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that a guy out of a school I’ve never heard of is not good.
What We’ve Always Hated: As someone who spent the last season watching the Grizzlies completely implode, I know what dysfunction looks like. The Wolves have it in spades. Watching Fizdale get himself fired by alienating Marc Gasol, then watching the front office fail to trade Tyreke Evans? Absolute child’s play compared to what the Wolves have done this offseason. At least the Grizzlies pretended like they were working together to trade Tyreke. The owner and the GM can’t even agree whether Butler is on the trading block! I just picture Thibs and Glen Taylor fighting over the phone as GMs call in an attempt to make a deal.
Of course, before he goes, Butler did everything in his power to alienate the star that the Wolves are keeping. He called him a, um... well, you know. He may or may not have slept with KAT’s girlfriend. Butler alienated Towns to the point that KAT took a backhanded shot at Butler by calling Derrick Rose a good teammate. Reminder: When Derrick Rose was a Knick, he disappeared for a week without telling anyone where he was going. Do you know how much KAT must hate Jimmy Butler to imply DERRICK ROSE was a better teammate?
But let’s not kid ourselves here. Butler and KAT are the big names at the center of this controversy, but the straw that stirs the Molotov cocktail is Tom Thibodeau.
Let me tell you something: It is a crime against humanity that Thibs continues to collect paychecks in the NBA. The league passed him by five years ago, and yet the Wolves continue to let him pour battery acid directly onto their young core. Hiring Thibs to coach AND run your basketball operations is like taking a brand new Cadillac and replacing the engine with that of a 1975 Datsun. Thibs took a successful defensive scheme in Boston and a semi-successful run on the backs of prime Noah and Rose and the rest of the Bulls and turned it into a decade-long job. Why would anyone even considering keeping him around? He’s going to run every player he has into the ground and will learn nothing from anything that ever goes wrong.
Also Justin Patton broke his foot again. Are we absolutely certain this guy doesn’t belong on the Sixers?
A Wolf You May Have Forgotten: Anthony Tolliver! Tolliver has played for NINE NBA TEAMS, which is basically a third of the league. Also he was once posterized by Taj Gibson. Let’s take a look!
"Mr. Tolliver, welcome to Taj Gibson's poster" pic.twitter.com/tY3i7lWBeV— ✶✶✶✶ (@NotARoleModeI) July 18, 2016