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Grizz Fan’s Hater’s Guide to: The Sacramento Kings

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Marvin Bagley is a small forward. Let’s hate on the Kings.

NBA: Sacremento Kings-Press Conference Sergio Estrada-USA TODAY Sports

The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.

As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.


Team: KANGZ

2017-18 Record: 27-55. But despite having the fifth-worst record in the league, they somehow managed to fall bass ackwards into the number two overall pick. And yet, that still didn’t matter because KANGZ.

Their Superstar: The Kings have about 10 players who are on rookie deals, so I guess they can share this honor. De’Aaron Fox is the most exciting/has the coolest hair. Bogdanovich is the most handsome. Buddy Hield is the most likely to be audition for the theatrical remake of Mr. Ed. Willy Cauley-Stein will eventually take his place as the rightful heir to Bob Ross.

What’s New to Hate: In spite of the Kings actually winning a few games this season, the Lottery Gods finally smiled down on what’s been a snake bitten franchise. They leapt up to second. Luka Doncic had all but fallen into their lap! A play-making wing to pair perfectly with DeAaron Fox and the team’s plethora of bigs! All the Kings had to do was not screw up! Surely they could manage that much.

Of course they couldn’t! This is the Kings. They took Georgios Papagiannis with a top-15 pick because (probably) they thought he was the bastard child of Giannis Antetokounmpo and Papa John. So, instead of taking Doncic, the Kings took Marvin Bagley. Let’s take a look at Marvin Bagley playing defense (courtesy of Liam Doyle).

Bagley openly admitted that he was more comfortable guarding on the inside, so, naturally, the Kings said he’s a small forward. C’mon man. At this point this isn’t even bad management. It’s gross negligence is what it is.

Also, GUESS WHO’S BACK!

Oh man oh man oh man. If you could boil the essence of the Kings down into a single play, that would be it. I’m so glad McLemore is back here, not only because it means that McLemore isn’t on the Grizzlies anymore, but because he just belongs here. Some players are just made for certain teams. Tony Allen with the Grit ‘n’ Grind Grizzlies. Magic Johnson on the Showtime Lakers. Ben McLemore and the KANGZ.

Arriving with McLemore is Deyonta Davis, who I’m sure will continue doing his one or two good things a week in order to keep you just intrigued enough to not want to quite give up hope.

What We’ve Always Hated: In a league where there’s so much change, it’s good to know that some things will never change. Death. Taxes. The Kings front office being a complete dumpster fire. These are life’s three certainties. The Kings are the Cleveland Browns of the NBA: a perennial loser that’s an embarrassment to fans and a front office that has absolutely no idea what they’re doing. At least the Browns tried using analytics for a few months. Vlade’s idea of analytics are Yelp reviews for cigarettes.

You could fill an encyclopedia with examples the Kings’ incompetence. They threw money at useless veterans last year. Their owner once suggested cherry picking. An employee embezzled from them and kept the evidence on his work computer. They are mining for bitcoin. (You cannot prove to me that the crash of bitcoin was not due to this announcement.) They tried to throw all of their money at Zach LaVine and were only spared the catastrophe that would have been because the Bulls were dumb enough to match.

If you told someone that this team was in the Conference Finals this century, they would laugh in your face. They’ve been bad for what feels like forever and there’s no end in sight because the team continues to pretend that Vlade is competent.

A King you may have forgotten: Iman Shumpert is still here after the great Cleveland purge of 2018. Shumpert peaked when he delivered his own child with a pair of Beats headphones.

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