The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The Phoenix Suns.
2017-18 Record: 21-61. By far the most entertaining moment from their season was the clip of them running in sync.
The Suns in sync should remind you all that we live in a simulation pic.twitter.com/UvLXselCyv— ᵐ°zart (@MoSoDope) April 10, 2018
Let’s also remember that the Suns had the point differential of a 50 loss team after just three games, so they fired their coach and installed a new coach, who managed to go 21-58. So… progress, I guess.
Oh, also this happened:
I Dont wanna be here— Eric Bledsoe (@EBled2) October 22, 2017
The best part of this is that Bledsoe never even bothered taking the tweet down. The Suns are so cancerous that a player basically demands a trade via Twitter and the player doesn’t even care enough to claim he was hacked. Bledsoe simply offered up a halfhearted excuse that he was “at a hair salon” that no one really believed, and everyone moved on with their lives. If half the team just decided not to show up for a game, most fans would probably just shrug and say, “I don’t blame them.”
Their Star: Look, ma! No hands!
Devin Booker riding a bike and doing a no hands bike trick shortly before announcing his broken hand 9-9-18 https://t.co/3PA1CDkQRm— JordanThrilla (@JordanThrilla) September 10, 2018
This may shock you, but two hours after this post, the story broke that Booker would require surgery on his hand. What a bizarre coincidence! I’m sure that these two events are not at all connected! The Sixers may have invented tanking, but the Suns have perfected it. The season hasn’t even started and they’re already blowing games.
In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I am a certified Booker hater. I know he once scored (an artificially inflated) 70 points (in a LOSS, don’t forget) so he will forever have people think he is somehow the second coming of Kobe Bryant, but he’s better at leading teams to the #1 overall draft pick than he is leading teams to the playoffs. This dude is going to jack up shots and score a bunch of points and none of it will matter.
Of course, the Suns also paid Booker $158 million in the offseason, which means now they’ll also be stuck with his contract eating up 30% of their cap space.
What’s New to Hate: The Suns landed the first overall pick. Given that they hired Igor Kokoskov, they looked primed to actually make a smart decision and take Luka Doncic. Instead, they took a big man with questionable motivation at a time when big men are being marginalized. There’s no way this will go poorly!
Let’s also not forget their big free agent signing! In spite of the fact that they finished with the absolute worst record in the league, this team threw $15 million at Trevor Ariza. Last time we saw Trevor Ariza, he was missing every single three point shot he took in the most important game the Rockets have played since the Clinton administration. Ariza is on the wrong side of the age curve and is on a completely different timeline than the rest of their young talent. But sure, he’s definitely the missing piece this team needs to make the playoffs!
Speaking of Rockets castoffs, the Suns also took on the albatross of the Ryan Anderson contract in exchange for a player who looked good in Summer League and a chance to get rid of Marquese Chriss. We all know exactly how this will work out: Chriss will look other-worldly playing with actual good players, while DeAnthony Melton will turn out to be the second coming of Josh Selby. Book it.
What We’ve Always Hated: For the third straight season, the Suns finished with less than 30 wins, and there’s no end in sight. The West is stacked, and the Suns did nothing more than add a couple of washed role players to their stock of probably not good young players. This team is going nowhere.
What’s amazing is the fact that the Suns actually used to be good. Less than eight seasons they were in the Western Conference Finals! Now they’re a laughingstock, and it’s probably not going to get better anytime soon. The owner complains about Millennial culture. Their GM is incompetent and yet apparently has permanent job security. They’re going to tank every year and it won’t matter because they draft the wrong player every single time.
A Sun you may have forgotten: Tyson Chandler, who will turn 36 on October 2 and plays like he’s about a decade older. Remember when Chandler was one of the key pieces of the Mavs championship team and they immediately let him run off to the Knicks? I assume he’s just here to collect a paycheck and see how long he can grow his beard before birds start nesting in it.