The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: Dallas Mavericks
Nerlens Noel visited the media dining room at halftime to get a hot dog. pic.twitter.com/mKYrB63e1J— Tim MacMahon (@espn_macmahon) December 2, 2017
2017-18 Record: 24-58
Of course, the Mavs season was less about the product on the court and more about the enormous sexual harassment story that came out this spring. The team responded to the story by acting like they were doing the rest of the world a service by letting this guy harass their employees instead of harassing the employees of other companies. Wow! So noble!
And yet, as proof that karma does not exist, the Mavs still lucked into Luka Doncic because the Suns owner has a hard-on for the University of Arizona, the Hawks wanted dime store Steph Curry, and the Kings are still the KANGZ. Also, the Grizzlies couldn’t trade for Doncic because Jeff Green. If there’s any real justice in the world, Doncic will suck and the pick that Atlanta makes with that 2019 first rounder turns into the second coming of Dominique Wilkins.
They also spent an entire season dragging Nerlens Noel’s name through the mud in every way imaginable after he turned down their contract. I’m sure that won’t impact their ability to attract free agents at all!
Their Superstar: For the 100th year in a row, it’s Dirk. Dirk was once one of the best power forwards in the league, and he’s probably a top-20 player all time, but the guy who carried a team of misfit toys to the 2011 title is long gone. Dirk is now a statue. I’ve seen Timofey Mozgov move more nimbly. It is impossible to actually hate him, though.
What’s New to Hate: Three years after the Mavs and Clippers gave us one of the most entertaining nights of NBA offseason history, we finally came full circle as the Mavericks signed DeAndre Jordan to a 1-year deal. This, of course, fits with the Mavs MO of signing players once they’ve exited their primes. I swear they are steadily trying to be the best team of three years ago.
Of course, as we’ve already mentioned, the Mavs also added Luka Doncic. I’ve already expounded on the ridiculous circumstances that led us to this situation, but let’s talk about Doncic the player. He is the most accomplished young player to ever come over from Europe. At age 19, Doncic is already a Euroleague MVP, a Euroleague Final Four MVP, a Euroleague champion, and All-Euroleague First Team.
And yet, none of that will matter once he steps onto an NBA court because his foot speed is closer to the current version of Dirk than it is to even JJ Barea. In Europe, this kid disappeared as soon as he went against the Greek league all stars, who are likely still due three more paychecks. What do you think will happen once an NBA wing guards him? I’m going to guess it goes poorly! I hope Angry Jim Carrey has his warlock powers ready, because he’s going to need them.
What We’ve Always Hated: The Dallas Mavericks exist in a perpetual state of striking out on every single free agent they take a swing at. The only time they’re successful is when the player is either past his prime (DAJ) or overpriced (Harrison Barnes) or coming off a horrific injury (Wes Matthews). They can built the most state of the art facilities for their players and yet still no one wants to come here.
This team winning a title was the most one-off situation in sports history. Even the 2002 Buccaneers look at this team and think, “Geez, how did that happen?” And yet, even after they accomplished that feat, they didn’t even bother trying to defend their title! They thanked everyone except Dirk for their service and told them to scram just so they could bat their eyelashes at Dwight Howard the NEXT SEASON. If there was ever an owner who deserved the headache that is Dwight Howard, it’s Mark Cuban. (I guess Houston deserved him more.) The best move this team has made in free agency in the past decade is not signing Chandler Parsons.
Remember when this team traded for Rondo? I have never ever seen a trade go so spectacularly wrong.
A Mav you might’ve forgotten: Giannis’ brother is here. I bet he’s terrible.