The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: Atlanta Hawks
My thoughts exactly.
2017-18 Record: 24-58. The Hawks ended their 10-year playoff streak and also became the second team in NBA history to go 60 seasons without winning a title. So, congrats! The only way Atlanta sets sports records are for futility. Sherman could come back to life, burn the city down again, and they’d still never wash away the stench of 28-3.
Atlanta is generally known as one of the NBA player’s favorite cities to visit due to the massive amount of strip clubs, and yet even without an additional home court advantage, they only managed to win 16 home games.
Their Superstar: To play the role of Steph Curry in their new version of the Warriors, the Hawks drafted disposed lollipop Trae Young. Young lit the world on fire for the first half of the college season, then immediately disappeared when people actually decided to guard him.
Someone said trae young looks like a lollipop rolling around on the carpet pic.twitter.com/2matLpnSjE— mike (@mikemcbride2020) July 6, 2018
Surely he looked better in Summer League, though. Right? Oh, no.
Prepare yourself for Trae Young chucking up ridiculous shots half of the game and playing himself out of the league by the end of his first contract.
What’s New to Hate: Welcome, newest TNT member Vince Carter! The Hawks signed the 20-year vet to a contract ostensibly to mentor their three actual good young players, but it’s already generally accepted that he’ll spend every other game being the yin to Charles Barkley’s yang.
In other news, the Hawks brought in GM Travis Schlenk from Golden State because hiring execs from successful teams always makes you successful. I am sure that Schlenk will perfectly replicate the incredibly fortunate success of the Warriors in no time.
It always amazes me when teams bring in execs and coaches from successful teams and expect them to magically recreate the success from their former organization. “Why, yes, I can definitely duplicate the Warrors’ incredible mix of luck and and skill to build your team. DRAYMOND GREENS PRACTICALLY GROW ON TREES.”
Brought in to coach Warriors East is first-time coach Lloyd Pierce, whose career includes stints with the Grizzlies, Cavaliers, Warriors, and Sixers, which sounds impressive until you realize that most of those teams incredibly underperformed. He did, however, sit on the staff that presided over #TheProcess in Philadelphia, which should disabuse you of any notion that the Hawks are actually going to try to be competitive any time this decade.
Jeremy Lin is here in spite of the fact that his knee recently exploded and he’s played a grand total of 37 games in the last two seasons. More interesting than Jeremy Lin being here is the fact that absolutely no one understood the trade that brought him here. I have never seen a trade confound NBA Twitter people than this deal. I’m sure Schlenk sees Lin as dime store Iguodala. Or something like that.
What We’ve Always Hated: As mentioned before, the Hawks ended their playoff streak this season, which would be impressive for pretty much every other team in the league outside of Georgia. For the Hawks, though? That’s just a random piece of bar trivia that no one will know by the time we hit 2021.
The Hawks won 60 games once during this run, but did anyone ever consider them ACTUAL contenders for a title? Of course not! If you’re ever making a list of championship contenders for any given sport and Atlanta is on it, you are fired from ever writing about sports. Atlanta sports exist as some bizarre science experiment in which the beings running whatever simulation we’re living in test new ways of inventing soul-crushing defeats.
Atlanta introduced a soccer team and I am absolutely certain they will outdraw the Hawks this season.
Their jerseys are a special kind of ugly. For crying out loud bring back the throwbacks so I don’t get an aneurysm trying to watch this team.
A Hawk You may have forgotten: Alex Len! Let’s be honest, the biggest contribution Len has made during his brief career was allowing me to get off “Steal My Sunshine” tweets, which are a lot less fun now that he is no longer in Phoenix.