The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The LAbrons
2017-18 Record: 35-47. Most of the season was spent worrying less about the product on the floor and more about this clown.
Their Superstar: Alright, let’s get this over with. Yes, it’s LeBron James.
Why, LeBron? Why? Why did you have to sign with this team and reward every single whiny fake NBA fan who roots for this team? I was enjoying watching them freak out over not getting Paul George, and LeBron had to swoop in and remind us all just how insufferable Lakers fans can be.
Of course, Lakers fans should probably go ahead and temper expectations. LeBron spent all of last season dragging the corpse of a decent Cavs team to the Finals. This season is just an extended vacation. He’ll play 70 games and spend the rest of his time writing manuscripts for new TV shows. He’s already announced Space Jam 2, which he will almost certainly film during the season since the Lakers are his squad by default due to location. Basketball is now officially LeBron James’ side hustle.
What’s New to Hate: Of course, since this team is still run by Magic Johnson, it took them all of five minutes to waste every ounce of goodwill built up by the LeBron signing.
They signed Lance Stephenson, who is a bad person and also a ball hog. Let’s take a moment to look back at one of Lance Stephenson’s shining moment in Memphis.
Lance Stephenson is having fun in Memphis. https://t.co/ZmVT9JyMrq— Legion Hoops (@LegionHoops) February 25, 2016
I’m looking forward to the first time Stephenson makes some boneheaded play and LeBron mashes his face into a locker room toilet. My money is on this happening by December.
They also added JaVale McGee! Listen, it took one of the greatest teams of all time to make JaVale something other than completely unplayable. LeBron is the only person on this team who can possibly do anything with McGee, and 90% of the time he’ll be too busy babysitting his other teammates to deal with him.
Since the Lakers needed another player to only care about the playoffs, they also added Rajon Rondo. Outside of Rondo’s semi-successful season with the Pelicans, his last three stops have been abject disasters. He completely imploded the Mavericks. He took money to wear a Kings jersey. And he spent a season in Chicago in-fighting with Dwyane Wade and Jimmy Butler. The moment anything goes wrong he will start Instagram posting about how much better he enjoyed playing with the Celtics.
Michael Beasley is here. Never forget that Michael Beasley went on a show while definitely high and tried to explain brain usage. Michael Beasley is here to jack up shots and be an empty void on defense.
By the way, none of the players can shoot and are better with the ball in their hands, so prepare to watch LeBron play 1-on-5 on offense every single possession.
What We’ve Always Hated: I know Warriors fans currently hold the title for Most Hated Fans, but I guarantee you Lakers fans are anxious to take their crown back. The moment LeBron does anything noteworthy, these clowns will start preening. They’ll be insufferable in no time. This offseason was bad enough, and it’s only going to get worse from here. These fans are as entitled as Boomers think Millennials are. Soon we’re going to be missing the days where LaVar Ball was doing his best to rip this team apart from the inside.
The worst of this is that they’re not even that competent. They got LeBron because LeBron already has a house here and he wanted to live in Not Cleveland. Their GM is the owner of one of the cheesiest Twitter accounts in history and he will spend every single offseason tampering because he doesn’t care at all about paying the fines. He’s going to get credit for signing LeBron even though all he had to do was not completely screw it up. I could’ve pulled off the LeBron signing, for crying out loud. Let me be the GM of the Lakers!
Also, Kobe Bryant will forever be overrated.
A Laker You May Have Forgotten: Kentavious Caldwell-Pope. All the deficiencies of Austin Rivers without the nepotism!