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Grizz Fan’s Hater’s Guide to: The Chicago Bulls

The Bulls are the Kings outside of the Jordan era. Let’s hate the Bulls.

NBA: Detroit Pistons at Chicago Bulls Kamil Krzaczynski-USA TODAY Sports

The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.

As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.

Team: The Chicago Bulls

Ah, yes, nothing like breaking another teammate’s face to help build team chemistry!

2017-18 Record: 27-55

Roll that beautiful footage!

Good work, Hoiberg!

Their Superstar: *scans roster* Is…is it Zach LaVine? Oh, no, it is. It’s Zach LaVine.

Remember, this offseason the Bulls managed to out-stupid even the KANGZ, opting to match the 4-year, $80 million offer to Zach LaVine rather than saying “Thank you for your services,” like the Hawks did with Hardaway. Come on, Chicago! You were off the hook! No one would’ve blamed you if you’d declined. Pro tip: If the Kings throw a lot of money at one of your players, that’s a sign that you should want nothing to do with said player.

LaVine is a lock to average 18 points while also shooting 40% from the floor. LaVine was not good when he returned last season, and it wouldn’t be surprising if he’s never the same player he was before the knee injury. LaVine was an inefficient chucker when he was healthy. Now he’s going to be inefficient, unathletic, AND he’s going to cost a lot!

What’s New to Hate: The Bucks cut ties with Jabari Parker, so Chicago swooped in and signed him to a two-year, $40 million deal. Look, I like Jabari. I hope he does well. But he’s coming off of his second knee injury, and the fact that the Bucks, who took Parker second overall, decided to move on should probably indicate that they’re not confident in him being the same player.

Of course, if there’s one thing we learned from the Zach LaVine situation, it’s that the Bulls are not exactly masters of context clues. Anyway, tune in this season to watch LaVine and Parker take turns gunning for 40 points while Robin Lopez stares down the opposing mascot.

Wendell Carter Jr. is here, though. The Bulls managed to take the actually good Duke player. Good job.

What We’ve Always Hated: The last time the Bulls were good was when Thibs was grinding every single player he had into a fine powder. Now they are a sad, hopeless franchise with two massively overpaid players and some young players who will, most likely, suck. Lauri Markkanen might be the most promising player on this roster, and that’s the most depressing sentence I’ve ever written.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for the Jordan Era Bulls, this team would feel like the Kings. They let Thibs run amok with a roster with actual talent, then they dumped actual superstar Jimmy Butler for a guy with a blown out ACL and a point guard who might be a bust.

This team feels so directionless that it feels like they lucked into Wendell Carter more than anything. The Bulls’ entire plan is to try and luck into enough good players to make a deep playoff run. I guess crazier things have happened. Just ask Chris Wallace.

A Bull you might have forgotten: Cam Payne! This is still the sickest burn of all time.

Man, that’s just brutal.

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