The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The Orlando Tragic
There should be more adults with education and authority addressing the youth on abstinence until marriage! Religious bias aside statistically speaking, sex before marriage is unsafe and has plagued our relationships, government, and sadly our innocent kids created and aborted.— Jonathan Isaac (@jisaac_01) September 6, 2018
I guess the Magic really took to Pastor Isaac’s teaching, because they certainly know how to avoid scoring.
2017-18 Record: 25-57, which is even funnier when you remember that they started 6-2. The Magic were the Eastern Conference version of the Grizzlies in that they crushed everyone in the league for the first five games. Then reality happened and they became what everyone expected them to be. By the end of the season, every loss to the Magic by a contender prompted “HAS TEAM X HIT ROCK BOTTOM?” headlines. This is the Magic’s place in the NBA: the barometer for whether or not something is going horrifically wrong.
They got cheated out of a chance to win and no one cared.
Their Superstar: Uncle Drew “costar” Aaron Gordon, who returned to the Magic on a $76 million deal so he can get lost amongst a forest of bigs. I really love it when teams do everything they can to sabotage their best players. Have fun watching Gordon attempt to drive into a crowded lane for the remainder of his prime.
What’s New to Hate: BAMBA NUMBER FIVE.
A little bit Mo Speights in my life...— Phil Murphy (@Phil_Sports) June 23, 2018
A little bit of Fournier by my side...
A little bit of Bismack is all I need...
A little bit of Aaron is all I see... pic.twitter.com/9TKaiKgvg6
I am thankful for Bamba, if for no other reason than the fact that he was connected with the memes enough that he took the one number that allows me to make Lou Bega references until the day four years from now when he’s out of the league.
Also, former Grizzly Jarell Martin! Let me tell you, Magic fans, if you like players who have no real position in the NBA and whose only move is finishing fast break dunks that other people set up for them, then Jarell is the man for you! What’s that? You also love players with a history of foot injuries? Perfect.
Since the Magic clearly didn’t have enough bigs, they also brought in Timofey Mozgov, who has not been useful since some point during the 2015 Finals. Mozgov has spent the last three seasons being pushed aside by the likes of the Lakers, the Nets, and the Hornets. But I’m sure the Magic are the team who will unlock his true potential!
Thankfully, the Magic did everyone a favor and put Frank Vogel out of his misery. Everyone knew that marriage was destined to end in divorce as soon as it started. Vogel was ill-suited to deals with a roster so young. To prove that they learned absolutely nothing from the Vogel mistake, the team replaced him with Steve Clifford. I look forward to 2020, when they replace Clifford with Phil Jackson.
What We’ve Always Hated: I’m going to be honest. If you had to make me name one moment from any Magic game last season, I would be at a total loss. I doubt I watched any game of theirs outside of the one in the first week of the season where they beat the Grizzlies in Memphis. The only time any Magic player is interesting is when Aaron Gordon is in the dunk contest. The only other player who doesn’t suck is Never Google, and even then I can’t look at his hairline without snickering. Dude, just get a hairpiece already.
If you took the Orlando Magic roster and made me draw a name out of a hat, there’s a 70% chance I have no idea who that player is. This team is rebuilding, only they don’t have a blueprint and their building materials are a pile of misshapen sticks.
This team is a Disney World sideshow except it’s not entertaining. I would rather eat paint chips than watch this team.
A Magic player you may have forgotten: DJ Augustin, who is likely the team’s best point guard. The Grizzlies had a better point guard situation than the Magic last season, and that’s even factoring in the fact that Mike Conley was stuffed in a locker for half the season!