The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: New York Knicks
2017-18 Record: 29-53. The owner spent draft night playing a concert with his band. If you asked Knicks fans, I’m sure they’d tell you they rather him be playing a concert than be anywhere near the Knicks draft room.
Their Superstar: Welp, I guess the bright side of Porzingis being out for the first half of the season is that we can just do ourselves a favor and not discuss this team. Sure, it’d be fun to briefly consider whether or not Porzingis can do enough to carry this team to the playoffs, but once that five minutes is over you’d just remember how sad the Knicks are, and then we’d all get sad again.
What’s New to Hate: TAKE THAT FOR DATA!
That’s right, folks. The New York Knicks bought into the giant post-Memphis PR campaign and have hired The Fiz. Enjoy the honeymoon, Knicks fans, because once that wears off and you realize that this man is a fraud hiding behind hip slang and sound bites and catch phrases, you’re going to ABSOLUTELY DESPISE HIM. I hope you’re ready to watch him confuse his entire roster by never giving anyone consistent playing time. I swear, Fizdale chooses his nightly rotations with a replica Price Is Right wheel. “Alright, Courtney Lee, I know you played 20 minutes yesterday, but tonight you’re going to play… 5 minutes!” The only other bright side of Porzingis’ injury is that at least it’ll be that much longer before Fizdale can fully alienate him by keeping him on the bench in the 4th quarter of a close game.
This year’s Knicks buy-low candidate is Mario Hezonja, the former fifth overall pick who was an absolute disaster in Orlando. Hezonja was highly improved last season. Unfortunately, his baseline was so low to begin with that “highly improved” amounted to STILL VERY BAD. I guess the Knicks are banking on him continuing that improvement. There’s just a few problems with that:
1. At this rate Hezonja won’t be a functional NBA player until he’s 30, and
2. He’s playing for the Knicks.
Hezonja is the reason people were writing off Luka Doncic before he’s even played a game.
Everyone, also say hello to Kevin Knox! I know Kevin Knox had a great Summer League, but my money is still on him being a gunner who puts up points on bad teams and counting statses his way into a $20 million a year contract.
What We’ve Always Hated: It’s a shame that Phil Jackson is gone from this franchise. I honestly miss his inane quotes and his random trips to Nowhere, Wyoming to do peyote. Of course, even in his addled state, Phil Jackson still managed one final finesse: After spending his last season threatening to trade Porzingis, Phil got his option picked up, and then was fired.
Given the person in charge, this hardly comes as a surprise. Let’s take a look at James Dolan.
"We didn't PLAN to have this concert on the same night as the NBA draft, for those of you wondering" says James Dolan the night of the draft pic.twitter.com/cLa7INH2Nf— Charlotte Wilder (@TheWilderThings) June 23, 2017
Just look at this goober. I’d bet even money that Dolan was too busy writing butt-rock tunes that he just picked up Phil’s option by mistake. Only when he sobered up did he realize what he’d done and rush to fix his mistake.
Now, Dolan is getting ready to sell the team (again, ostensibly so he can tour with JD and the Smash Mouth Castoffs), so we’re going to miss out on Charles Oakley single-handedly fighting off ten security guards in an attempt to rip Dolan’s head off in front of a capacity crowd at MSG. If we’re lucky, Dolan will be bought out by some miserable tech bro with greased up hair who will somehow make this team even less likable.
A Knick you may have forgotten: Instead of a player, let’s take a moment to remember the 2012-13 Knicks. The Knicks dumped half their roster to get Carmelo from Denver, and this was the only real successful season they got out of it. They probably didn’t even deserve this one.