The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The Detroit Pissed-Ons
2017-18 Record: 39-43
Welp, this looks like a disaster. On the bright side, at least this stadium hasn’t had any fights break out in it yet.
Their Superstar: Thanks to Stan Van Gundy making a desperation move (or committing career harikari), the Pistons are now the proud owners of oft-injured flop artist Blake Griffin. Don’t worry, though. There’s only four years left on that $175 million contract. Considering he plays a whopping 50 games a year, that’s practically a steal! I bet the entire front office of the Clippers is still laughing at the Pistons for taking on this contract.
Don’t worry, though. The Pistons will always have those first four games after they acquired Griffin where they looked like world beaters against teams on the second half of back-to-backs.
What’s New to Hate: Dwayne Casey is here! Congratulations, Pistons! You will now march through the regular season on a path to the playoffs, where they will promptly be massacred. At least now that LeBron is no longer in the East there’s some mystery as to who will be there to play Crazy Horse to Casey’s Custer. This is your existence for the life of that contract. Every season watching them look great through 82 games, knowing that it will all fall apart as soon as the games actually mean something.
Zaza Pachulia is here to do what Zaza Pachulia does, which is to “accidentally” injure star players on other teams. Everyone acts like Pachulia is some big oaf who just accidentally lumbers into the path of opponents because his head looks like it was programmed in Minecraft. In actuality, though, he’s the center version of Matthew Dellavedova, someone who puts other players into the line of fire and then acts like he’s just playing hard. I’m onto you, Zaza!
Jose Calderon is here because the Pistons need a “veteran presence.” Judging by Calderon’s age, I assume they mean “World War II veteran.” Calderon is 10,000 in basketball years. I cannot remember the last time he was a relevant player and not the guy signed just in case the actual players had to have their legs amputated on the court. The most interesting thing to happen to Calderon in the past four seasons is that Google accidentally confused him with the heir to a soft drink fortune.
Glen Robinson III is here. Glen Robinson is actually kinda good, but I’m sure the Pistons will find some way to ruin him.
What We’ve Always Hated: The Pistons are one of the NBA’s most storied franchises. They had the Bad Boys in the 80s and 90s, and a brief run in the early 2000s with the Phantom of the Opera and Ben Wallace and Rasheed Wallace. Now, though? This team is a mediocre-at-best franchise that’s spinning its wheels. They’re bad, and with the players they have under contract, there’s no path to being competitive without spending half a decade wandering through the desert.
This franchise has gotten so bad that even their own fans don’t care about them. They spent $863 million on a new stadium and no one bothered to show up for games. This stadium is bigger snafu than the Griffin contract, and that’s saying something. They named it Little Caesars Arena, which actually feels like an insult to the pizza company. At least Little Caesars is a decent value. The Pistons are paying Reggie Jackson and Jon Leuer a combined $27 million just this season. They may have dumped Stan Van Gundy, but his grubby little fingerprints will be all over this team until 2022.
I bet the owner burns down this stadium for the insurance money.
A Piston You May Have Forgotten: Reggie Bullock played 28 minutes per game for 62 games last season for this team. I cannot remember the last time anyone ever mentioned Reggie Bullock.